Lately, I don’t know if it is because of the age group we have reached or if it is something else, but there have been more and more suicides in our community. When I say community, I am meaning friends or family of our peers or our peers themselves. Maybe it is because of Facebook and the better access we now have to what is going on in people’s lives that we are more aware of this sad and tragic occurrence happening more often. I really don’t know if it truly is more common now, or if it always has been, but either way it always comes as a shock that shakes us to our core. What I do know though is that the pain the victim feels is real and that it is a hard and difficult struggle between life and themselves in those moments before they decide to take their own life or decide to continue living. I know it is difficult for many to understand and that the concept or thought of taking your own life is unfathomable, but people do at moments deeply feel like the world does not need them and that everyone around them would be better off without them. There are moments that people feel too worn down and weak mentally to keep carrying on the road that they are on and see no other way out of their pain. These are three poems I wrote the day after I found out that there was one suicide attempt and one successful suicide that happened on the same night. It frightened me more so than usual because that same night I was also struggling like I have many times before. It was and still is eerie to me that in a small area so many people were feeling and contemplating the same things. I feel like I can manage the thoughts decently enough since I have battled them on and off for many years. After awhile for me it just becomes a nuisance and a focus on the duties in life I have and need to complete, because what helps carry me through is all the things I know I still need and want to accomplish and that I want to be around to hold my children for as long as I can. Also looking at all the times that I had thought the same thoughts and have come close to the same dreadful end along with the fact that I am still here helps pull me through knowing that it gets better. The more you fight it, the stronger you become towards those thoughts in my belief.
I Was Almost You
I was almost you…
I saw your name today and realized I never knew you,
but yet I did.
We were in the same place last night.
We were lost in the same unforgiving darkness
willing to take a life.
We were both struggling hard
trying to hold onto any amount of breath we could breathe.
We were trying to forgive ourselves,
trying too hard to please.
For a moment the thought flickered across our feeble minds,
but that moment was too long for you,
that moment was your time.
Now today I’m alive and breathing my normal breathes.
Shocked that you were in the same place as me.
Yet, I never would have guessed.
Maybe if we could have called out to each other,
desperate souls trying hard to see.
I would have found you
and you would now be alive with me.
I look to the face this morning
of my little baby girl
and realize that no amount of darkness
should be allowed to take us from this world.
Why Without Goodbyes?
It’s crazy how common it is,
the thing that flashes through my mind.
To give up when you still have fifty years to live.
To give up and take your life.
I cannot understand how hard it is,
even though I’ve visited more than twice.
Why it is never completely possible to fight it.
Why we give in without goodbyes.
I don’t get why when we are in the deepest of our lows,
how hard it is to realize that we have so much more time to grow.
That in that amount of time things can get better than we even believe.
Why do we not ever give it the chance?
Why do we not take our time and breathe?
Monster in the Town
Was there something in our town last night?
Something searching for souls.
Something trying to dive into the weakest of minds,
trying to make people let go.
Who knows how many people tried to come to their lives’ end.
I know that at least one succeeded, and that it almost had my head.