In my previous post from last week, I explained how my husband worked nonstop which left me countless days and hours with myself. Some days were harder than others and sometimes no matter how hard I tried to keep myself and my mind busy, the doubts, fear, and depression came working their way into my soul. I said I would continue from last weeks post with a few more poems that were deeper and more broken from some of my harder days. Here they are.
Having a hard time holding on.
Too many things broken to fix.
Broken love, broken soul, broken promises
with no mending on your list.
Sick of no time to rebuild.
Sick of no time on your watch.
Sick of little children’s tears
and mommy stuck cleaning up.
Sick of hearing “Where’s daddy?”
Sick of what was important being no more.
Sick of underappreciating
what once was us before you opened this door.
Don’t know if I can hold on any longer.
Having a hard time not letting go.
Don’t know if we will ever have time to fix this,
since it’s just like you to never show.
In Need Of Touchable Nostalgia
Tears falling down.
Not what I used to be.
No where to be found.
Can’t be a good mommy,
when all I carry is grief.
All I need is to see you.
I need things how they used to be.
Want You Back
I loved it when you cared.
I loved it when I could open up.
I loved you when you were you,
before you gave all that up.
You went into the darkness.
The darkness I tried so hard to hide.
Working for things that don’t matter.
No more caring what’s inside.
Dreams are what took you.
Good intentions, you’re falling fast.
Demons are what lead you
down this long lost path.
Please come back to us.
I’m begging for you, please.
Family isn’t what it is without you.
We aren’t what we used to be.
We all cry for you in the distance.
Just wanting you to come home.
We really don’t care about the money.
We just want you back to hold.
Lately, I don’t know if it is because of the age group we have reached or if it is something else, but there have been more and more suicides in our community. When I say community, I am meaning friends or family of our peers or our peers themselves. Maybe it is because of Facebook and the better access we now have to what is going on in people’s lives that we are more aware of this sad and tragic occurrence happening more often. I really don’t know if it truly is more common now, or if it always has been, but either way it always comes as a shock that shakes us to our core. What I do know though is that the pain the victim feels is real and that it is a hard and difficult struggle between life and themselves in those moments before they decide to take their own life or decide to continue living. I know it is difficult for many to understand and that the concept or thought of taking your own life is unfathomable, but people do at moments deeply feel like the world does not need them and that everyone around them would be better off without them. There are moments that people feel too worn down and weak mentally to keep carrying on the road that they are on and see no other way out of their pain. These are three poems I wrote the day after I found out that there was one suicide attempt and one successful suicide that happened on the same night. It frightened me more so than usual because that same night I was also struggling like I have many times before. It was and still is eerie to me that in a small area so many people were feeling and contemplating the same things. I feel like I can manage the thoughts decently enough since I have battled them on and off for many years. After awhile for me it just becomes a nuisance and a focus on the duties in life I have and need to complete, because what helps carry me through is all the things I know I still need and want to accomplish and that I want to be around to hold my children for as long as I can. Also looking at all the times that I had thought the same thoughts and have come close to the same dreadful end along with the fact that I am still here helps pull me through knowing that it gets better. The more you fight it, the stronger you become towards those thoughts in my belief.
I Was Almost You
I was almost you…
I saw your name today and realized I never knew you,
but yet I did.
We were in the same place last night.
We were lost in the same unforgiving darkness
willing to take a life.
We were both struggling hard
trying to hold onto any amount of breath we could breathe.
We were trying to forgive ourselves,
trying too hard to please.
For a moment the thought flickered across our feeble minds,
but that moment was too long for you,
that moment was your time.
Now today I’m alive and breathing my normal breathes.
Shocked that you were in the same place as me.
Yet, I never would have guessed.
Maybe if we could have called out to each other,
desperate souls trying hard to see.
I would have found you
and you would now be alive with me.
I look to the face this morning
of my little baby girl
and realize that no amount of darkness
should be allowed to take us from this world.
Why Without Goodbyes?
It’s crazy how common it is,
the thing that flashes through my mind.
To give up when you still have fifty years to live.
To give up and take your life.
I cannot understand how hard it is,
even though I’ve visited more than twice.
Why it is never completely possible to fight it.
Why we give in without goodbyes.
I don’t get why when we are in the deepest of our lows,
how hard it is to realize that we have so much more time to grow.
That in that amount of time things can get better than we even believe.
Why do we not ever give it the chance?
Why do we not take our time and breathe?
Monster in the Town
Was there something in our town last night?
Something searching for souls.
Something trying to dive into the weakest of minds,
trying to make people let go.
Who knows how many people tried to come to their lives’ end.
I know that at least one succeeded, and that it almost had my head.
It’s OK to sometimes not be OK. Getting down on yourself for not being OK when you feel like you should be OK will only make you more upset and frustrated. Getting irritated with yourself for not always holding it together and being happy when you feel like logic is telling you you should be happy will only make you feel not OK even more. We need to learn to give ourselves a break sometimes. If we had a friend who was going through a hard time or had something happen in his or her life, would we expect them to just be OK and move on? No, we wouldn’t. Even if nothing bad had happened, we don’t expect the people around us to be OK 24/7. So, why do we sometimes expect that out of ourselves and get mad if we have a hard time with our emotions briefly and for a moment or more feel weak? We are human. We have hormones, feelings, illogical logic that runs through our minds, and a vivid imagination that all combine to sometimes make us feel things that may not make sense to anyone including ourselves. It’s OK to give yourself permission to not be OK when you aren’t up to holding yourself up and holding yourself together any longer. As long as you ask yourself why you might not be OK and try to figure out what it could be if the sadness and feelings of failure lasts for what seems like too long and you have a hard time getting back up on your feet, it is OK to let yourself not be the perfect person upholding the world, your family, or your life like you might want to be. If in our hearts we know that it is OK to sometimes not to be OK, then we will feel more comfortable with reaching out and asking for help from someone when we aren’t feeling right. We won’t be embarrassed and think of ourselves as a failure for not having it together and we could find the help that we may desperately need. It is OK to not be OK. It is normal. It is common. And we all need to accept that it doesn’t make us weak minded or faulty. We are human and sometimes things even in the smallest amounts are too hard for us to handle and we may need help handling them. We all need to lean on someone sometimes, and we all need to accept and love ourselves fully as we would a good friend, telling ourselves to seek help when we need it, and giving ourselves a mental hug, while whispering to ourselves in a gentle reminder that it is OK to not be OK.
She’s weak, she’s tired.
There’s nothing no more.
She’s helpless and lost,
once called a whore.
She eats, she pukes,
no more her best.
She’s dying, she’s slipping,
Had to return to the sad stuff from the past today, especially since last night was an extra hard night for me. But the good thing to come out of the sad past is looking at it and realizing how far you have come and that you had made it even when you had thought that you wouldn’t. So if you ever think that you can’t make it now or if you have a relapse, you can remember what you had made it through before and know that you have it in you to do it again.