Finding The Other Half Of Your Soul, But Awaiting His Uncertain Boundless Return

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Playing Hero
She sits in the dark awaiting
her loved one who never comes.
Her thoughts drift to pictures
of them when they were young.
They were laughing and dancing,
never without a smile.
Kisses and hugs,
man, it seems like such a while.
But he is off playing hero
for the family he deserves.
So she sits and waits quietly
knowing that when he can he will return.
Life on Repeat
I miss you.
I kiss you.
We hug
and you leave.
Same thing every day.
Every day on repeat.
When will things change?
You say change will come soon.
I want to believe you,
but I only see doom.
           When I first met this man, he was working at DQ and was definitely what I would categorize as a boy who loved to do the stupidest things and get hurt. Then he went to work at Burger King in our small town for awhile before he transferred burger kings to the one in Lafayette where we moved to to go to Purdue. There he worked part time and went to school to be an engineer full time, until his friend presented him with a better job working at WWL. He took it and then started working full time third shift, with a lot of overtime and continued to go to school full time. I swear he didn’t sleep. Then he sadly failed a class. Not because he wasn’t smart enough, but because we lived in a bad part of town and his gas got siphoned on the day of his exam. He actually pushed his jeep to the gas station to fill it back up, but still ended up late to his exam and they wouldn’t let him in so he failed. He was obviously upset and discouraged, but it didn’t let him completely down. We ended up finding a better apartment in a better area that we moved to since I was now pregnant. He started Ivy Tech with a different major now in mechanics since he decided he wanted to do something that he loved with his life. He continued life still working full time and getting any overtime possible to help us get by, going to school full time, and helping me with the baby when he could. Then after awhile with some more months of schooling still left for him to finish we bought a house in Wanatah. Right after that he lost his job. I’m talking directly after that. But he refused to let that slow him down. He found a job up north in Porter. And continued to work full time there, while traveling to Lafayette to go to his college classes to try to finish. Some days he would sleep in our now empty apartment since our lease wasn’t up yet, but I would hate to know how much sleep he missed. I know that the driving so much back and forth scared me with how sleep deprived he was. But finally he graduated and was able to stay up north with us. He ended up getting a second job part time to help us get by. Until he found another job that paid better with crazy long hours. Then after switching jobs once again to go back to work as a mechanic he ended up impressing some people and ended up switching fields doing something that he never would have imagined doing, didn’t know exsisted, but happily enjoyed. But then he started working more and more almost 17 or 18 hours a day and night for at first weeks until it turned into months trying to start up a company on top of the job he was already working. Then days would go by without him even coming home working crazy like always. But finally he has started his own company with a couple companions and is back down to one job. Watching him work his body sick for years has been incredibly hard, but I couldn’t be more amazed and proud that it has paid off for him. He is definitely the definition of determination and a hard worker to me. It has been amazing to watch him grow from that boy who didn’t care if he ended up in the hospital for a thrill to the man he is today doing anything and everything he can for the little family he has built.

          So, as you can see my husband worked a lot and nonstop so he could build the dream life he wants for himself and his family. He still continues to do this to this day, but so far things have gotten better. Throughout the years though it was not easy waiting with the heart breaking for the one you love to return and fill you with the love you so desperately needed to be filled up with again to keep going. My husband is a hero in my eyes, not just for working as hard as he has forever for us, but for fixing me and getting me to the point where I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. He helped me get to a place where I never thought or dreamed I could have ever gotten to. I can actually love and enjoy life now and focus on my goals instead of battling with myself mentally and physically every day. I truly owe him my life. But as I said, the journey was not easy. There were a few times that depression and loneliness started to work deep into my mind and made things harder than they needed to be. Not today, but Tuesday I will continue this with some of the more deeply broken poems where I started to lose hope that things would ever get better and I started to lose faith in our bond.  

(Sorry about there being no spaces between paragraphs and poems. For some reason it won’t let me fix it and it only wants to stay this way. Except for this last paragraph.)

Afterthought

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Just an afterthought in your mind

when I hold something you need.

Otherwise we never meet eyes

and you despise the likes of me.

Never will it come to an understanding.

This cycle will never end.

Since I’m the trash you take out and forget

the moment my usefulness ends.

Fighting The Too Common Tragedy (Three Poems)

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Lately, I don’t know if it is because of the age group we have reached or if it is something else, but there have been more and more suicides in our community. When I say community, I am meaning friends or family of our peers or our peers themselves. Maybe it is because of Facebook and the better access we now have to what is going on in people’s lives that we are more aware of this sad and tragic occurrence happening more often. I really don’t know if it truly is more common now, or if it always has been, but either way it always comes as a shock that shakes us to our core. What I do know though is that the pain the victim feels is real and that it is a hard and difficult struggle between life and themselves in those moments before they decide to take their own life or decide to continue living. I know it is difficult for many to understand and that the concept or thought of taking your own life is unfathomable, but people do at moments deeply feel like the world does not need them and that everyone around them would be better off without them. There are moments that people feel too worn down and weak mentally to keep carrying on the road that they are on and see no other way out of their pain. These are three poems I wrote the day after I found out that there was one suicide attempt and one successful suicide that happened on the same night. It frightened me more so than usual because that same night I was also struggling like I have many times before. It was and still is eerie to me that in a small area so many people were feeling and contemplating the same things. I feel like I can manage the thoughts decently enough since I have battled them on and off for many years. After awhile for me it just becomes a nuisance and a focus on the duties in life I have and need to complete, because what helps carry me through is all the things I know I still need and want to accomplish and that I want to be around to hold my children for as long as I can. Also looking at all the times that I had thought the same thoughts and have come close to the same dreadful end along with the fact that I am still here helps pull me through knowing that it gets better. The more you fight it, the stronger you become towards those thoughts in my belief.

 

I Was Almost You

I was almost you…

I saw your name today and realized I never knew you,

but yet I did.

We were in the same place last night.

We were lost in the same unforgiving darkness

willing to take a life.

We were both struggling hard

trying to hold onto any amount of breath we could breathe.

We were trying to forgive ourselves,

trying too hard to please.

For a moment the thought flickered across our feeble minds,

but that moment was too long for you,

that moment was your time.

Now today I’m alive and breathing my normal breathes.

Shocked that you were in the same place as me.

Yet, I never would have guessed.

Maybe if we could have called out to each other,

desperate souls trying hard to see.

I would have found you

and you would now be alive with me.

I look to the face this morning

of my little baby girl

and realize that no amount of darkness

should be allowed to take us from this world. 

 

Why Without Goodbyes?

It’s crazy how common it is,

the thing that flashes through my mind.

To give up when you still have fifty years to live.

To give up and take your life.

I cannot understand how hard it is,

even though I’ve visited more than twice.

Why it is never completely possible to fight it.

Why we give in without goodbyes.

I don’t get why when we are in the deepest of our lows,

how hard it is to realize that we have so much more time to grow.

That in that amount of time things can get better than we even believe.

Why do we not ever give it the chance?

Why do we not take our time and breathe?

 

Monster in the Town

Was there something in our town last night?

Something searching for souls.

Something trying to dive into the weakest of minds,

trying to make people let go.

Who knows how many people tried to come to their lives’ end.

I know that at least one succeeded, and that it almost had my head.

 

It’s OK To Not Be OK

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It’s OK to sometimes not be OK. Getting down on yourself for not being OK when you feel like you should be OK will only make you more upset and frustrated. Getting irritated with yourself for not always holding it together and being happy when you feel like logic is telling you you should be happy will only make you feel not OK even more. We need to learn to give ourselves a break sometimes. If we had a friend who was going through a hard time or had something happen in his or her life, would we expect them to just be OK and move on? No, we wouldn’t. Even if nothing bad had happened, we don’t expect the people around us to be OK 24/7. So, why do we sometimes expect that out of ourselves and get mad if we have a hard time with our emotions briefly and for a moment or more feel weak? We are human. We have hormones, feelings, illogical logic that runs through our minds, and a vivid imagination that all combine to sometimes make us feel things that may not make sense to anyone including ourselves. It’s OK to give yourself permission to not be OK when you aren’t up to holding yourself up and holding yourself together any longer. As long as you ask yourself why you might not be OK and try to figure out what it could be if the sadness and feelings of failure lasts for what seems like too long and you have a hard time getting back up on your feet, it is OK to let yourself not be the perfect person upholding the world, your family, or your life like you might want to be. If in our hearts we know that it is OK to sometimes not to be OK, then we will feel more comfortable with reaching out and asking for help from someone when we aren’t feeling right. We won’t be embarrassed and think of ourselves as a failure for not having it together and we could find the help that we may desperately need. It is OK to not be OK. It is normal. It is common. And we all need to accept that it doesn’t make us weak minded or faulty. We are human and sometimes things even in the smallest amounts are too hard for us to handle and we may need help handling them. We all need to lean on someone sometimes, and we all need to accept and love ourselves fully as we would a good friend, telling ourselves to seek help when we need it, and giving ourselves a mental hug, while whispering to ourselves in a gentle reminder that it is OK to not be OK.

 

Everlasting Rest

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Everlasting Rest

She’s weak, she’s tired.

There’s nothing no more.

She’s helpless and lost,

once called a whore.

She eats, she pukes,

no more her best.

She’s dying, she’s slipping,

everlasting rest.

Had to return to the sad stuff from the past today, especially since last night was an extra hard night for me. But the good thing to come out of the sad past is looking at it and realizing how far you have come and that you had made it even when you had thought that you wouldn’t. So if you ever think that you can’t make it now or if you have a relapse, you can remember what you had made it through before and know that you have it in you to do it again.

Mixtures and Dependent Love (2 Poems)

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Lately, I have been having such a hard time even looking at some of my sad poems from my past. So here are two more nice ones for the week ❤ And isn’t this picture wonderful and amazing!!! Crazy the beautiful and odd things you see out in the country, even just on the drive home.

Mixtures

A bloom, a blossom.

A farewell, a goodbye.

A hello, a dying flower.

A smile, a guy.

All come in mixtures,

some sad and some gloom,

but when all put together

people are happy as loons.

 

Dependent Love

She’s happy, only when she’s with him.

He warms her heart, and she lets him in.

Protects her soul from doing horrible things.

He is her life, the reason she breathes.

Ask And Then Prioritize

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What fills you up? What helps you feel alive and at your best? What makes you feel whole and at peace? These question were brought to my attention this last weekend. It was something that I never really stopped and completely thought about. So I ask myself and I ask you those same questions. What fills you up? For me, knowledge, reading, fantasy, and stories are some of the things that make me who I am. When I dive into those things, they help me feel like I am finding myself, figuring out myself, and learning more about myself. What makes you feel alive and at your best? For me, working out, eating healthy, alone time to sort through my thoughts, writing, and doing things for my kids like planning their parties and making them things, all make me feel alive and like I am on the top of my game and living at my best. What makes you feel whole and at peace? Well for me, that answer is time with my kids and family.

Why are all these questions important? Because the answers tell you what you need to prioritize in your life. They are things that you need to make sure that you make time for you so you can feel your best. When you feel your best, you live your best, and when you live your best, you enjoy life more and get more out of life. I know that I want to walk around feeling alive and full of spirit and happiness. I want to enjoy my kids more and enjoy time with my husband more. I want to get the most out of everything I can in this small amount of time that we have to live, and how am I supposed to do that if I feel like crap? How is anyone supposed to do that when they feel sad, depressed, exhausted, and stretched too thin. After a long week it is amazing what time with my family does for me. I feel ready to tackle another long week yet again. It is like a constant emptying me and filling me back up. It is amazing how good I feel after a workout in the morning. It helps fill me back up and gets me ready to tackle another day after feeling like I’ve gotten beaten down too many times the day before and had begun to feel weak and worthless. It is amazing what reading and researching does for me because it fills my head with amazing creativity that helps me see many things in different ways and enjoy life more without getting bored or frustrated.

Find the things that make you feel like the best you. Find the things that make you feel happy with yourself and with your life. Find what those things are and then make it a priority to make sure you have some time for those things. Live life at your fullest and at your best so you can enjoy it more and be happy. Search within yourself and then prioritize so you can be the best you. You deserve it and the world deserves to see it.