Remain Strong Mommy

Backstory to this poem:

My little sister had given birth to her third child a little over a year ago when I had written this to comfort her. She was going through what many mothers go through after giving birth: the desperation to hold her little boy, the tiredness of seeing tubes and monitors all around, and the need for normalcy and want to take him home. I am hoping if anyone else needs this that it can help give them a moment of peace and strength. ❤

You are strong momma

Stay strong lil sis

Fight back the empty pain

You got this, just like him

Strong in every way

Soon moments will be full of kisses

Not sitting in a monitored room

Mommy and Daddy will roll off his lips

And love will leave you swooned

You got three beautiful children, mommy

And you have remained strong for each one

He will get through this faster than you think

And life will be more than once was

Writing Through Our Fear Mold

Writing can be intimidating. With every single sentence and every single word we write, we often begin to second guess ourselves. Especially if what we are writing is for more eyes than our own. How are we supposed to get away from that, especially if we are wanting to become professional writers? Do we ever break away from that? Is that something that just follows us forever? Will we ever have enough confidence in ourselves just to write?

We have this mold. And this mold is the self that we want to shape ourselves into and how we believe we should be seen. It is a container held in by our fear. The fear that if you step out of this shape that people will hate you, that you will get rejected, that your ideas won’t be competent enough, and that you will find out once and for all that you as a person and a writer aren’t good enough. Because of that we end up living in these little boxes only sharing and showing the same things over and over again that we know fit into this mold and that everyone likes. It is hard to step out. It is hard to be unique. It is hard to be ourselves. It is hard just to have fun writing.

Like writing this. It is hard. You can bet I am nervous. It is hard to write just what I want to write and to have enough confidence in myself to share it. It is hard to even speak my ideas, let alone let myself build up these great plans that I know I love and think are fantastic, but for some reason can’t help but to think what if other people don’t feel the same way? It is hard to step away from the fear of being proven wrong and feeling my already own shaky self-image start to crumble. It is hard to ignore all the self-doubts in my head and shove them aside just to have fun writing.

But the real question is what if no one gets to love and experience your brilliance and your ideas? What if you could really get somewhere and be great? What if you are holding yourself back from the amazing person you already are?

What do you do?

The only answer I have for you to be able to break through is to WRITE. Just write. And have fun doing it. We all know that writing fills up the soul in ways nothing else can, but what we don’t know is each time you write you become braver. You gain more courage and strength to speak your words because if you did it once, you can do it again, and again, and again, and show the world and yourself that you have a voice. That you have courage. That you have passion. And that each time you can break more from your mold. Every time I give myself permission to just write what I want and just let myself fall into my love for writing it becomes easier, like a muscle needing worked.

Let your writing break your mold for you. Let it slip through the cracks and test the waters so you can realize that you are safe and you are ok and you can put yourself out to the world. Let yourself prove to yourself that you can be who you are, write what you want, and have fun doing it! That your uniqueness is something that can be craved.

My mold that keeps me from sharing and spreading my ideas, my stories, my worlds, and my escapes every day begins to break and crack. And personally, writing and sharing this has been more for myself than anyone else. It is a nice reminder to look back on and to hold myself up to. My own words to live by. If I hadn’t written this, where would I be today?

Confined by my mold.

But instead I am working on breaking free.

A Writer’s Prayer

Rip the raw power of song and verse from my heart

Expel my pleas in notes to touch a soul

Gift me meaning to life

Vitality to feel

And words to express

Grant me the need to construct meanings to emotions

And apprehension to grasp the rules of the world

Rules that form chaos

Rules that confound

Rules that drown people too deep

Help me lift them out

Before they drown again

Names

Names. Powers to describe the universe. Yet, can’t fully define you. Why do we live by names and not the stories beneath? The real magick is how the names came to be.

I’m just going to dive right in. I love the stories behind names. I think they are amazing and really tell a lot about the person who gave the name. Not the person who got the name, but the person who told their thought process, past, what is important to them, and what has special meaning to them when giving the name.

Take me for example. I have three daughters. I wanted to make sure that together as one their names were powerful and it is my belief that true power dwells in sounds like syllables. Just like how poetry can really affect your soul by the flow of the words in verse. To make their names powerful in syllables for their names to be able to fit together, I had my oldest daughter’s first name have 3 syllables and her middle name have 1. My second daughter’s first name have 2 syllables and her middle name have 2. And my last daughter’s first name have 1 syllable and her middle name have 3. That way they all equally have four but the syllables are distributed differently forming a full circle. And it goes

Angela, Sarah, Dawn

     3           2          1

   Lee,   Nicole,  Abigail

      1          2            3

Also, they are each named after two people. Angela’s first name is after one of the nicest people I had ever met and worked with, and her middle name is a family name that goes back generations. Sarah’s first name is after a best friend from elementary school and her middle name is from two very important red-headed friends that influenced my life and were both named Nicole when I was younger. When I lost one, I gained the other. Dawn’s first name is named after the Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the character named Dawn from Pokémon.

Just by looking at their names it doesn’t tell you much, but by all of that you learn a piece of who I really am. Which, if you can’t guess, is a crazy geek who definitely overthinks but who really believes friendship is important and who takes some people deeply to heart, even and especially characters.

Now as a writer, naming a character verses naming a child is quite different. A character’s names can actually tell you personally about the character more than it would naming a child. When you name a child, you don’t truly know them yet and they end up molding the name to fit them and they make a story of their own with it. When we name a character, the name is sometimes put to the adventure or you end up asking yourself what name may best describe this character and what defines them? You shape the story around the name or the name around the story. You already know the character in your mind and want to reflect what you know. Who do they feel like they are? What do they feel like they should be named? Both are questions that may be asked and you feel like the character is already speaking to you. But once again, the question of why did you decide to give that name is so much more interesting than just what is the name. The real magick is how the names came to be.

Inked Poem

IMG_20200805_152759_152

 

 

Chaos besiege my skin

In black inked memoirs

Stories of life

Carved into the sacred temple

I carry with me

Begging others to listen with their eyes

Echoed Hollow

IMG_20171013_154304_360

The world echoes its emptiness

Breathing hollow to my veins

No air

No sounds

All still

Lungs start to quiver

Eyes fright, dripping pain

Nothingness

Alone

Unreal

Semi- Updated Fitness Photo

Hey! I know it has been a long time. I am still alive, but have been very busy with adjusting to three kids over time. My youngest is now two and the ab picture I am posting below was taken in January, but my abs still look about the same. I am still working out five days a week along with cardio five days a week. It has become just a lifestyle now that I can’t live without even with how busy I am. My three girls are in three separate sports, so I am constantly running around and then with the shut-down, life has taken a huge adjustment. The second picture was taken after I made myself a simple butt workout to focus on my butt. I ended up gaining a half an inch of muscle! I have no idea what the future will bring. Slowly my girls are needing me a little less as days go by so I can finally focus a little more on my career. Once the last one is in school full time I will be able to finally work full time writing and will be able to focus more on my fitness also if my work isn’t as demanding as these children. Ha! But we will see. I am just happy that we are done having children and just have the forwardness of life to look forward to without having to start all over with the demands a baby needs. I have fully devoted my life to my children and will continue to do so, but it is nice to finally have a little time, no matter how little, to work on myself and my dreams.

20200728_211359

20200728_212359

Postpartum 10 Days

I am now 10 days postpartum. I took a picture of my stomach because it came as a surprise to me how it is looking.

20180318_083100

 

I already can’t wait to work out again, but it seems like working out with weights and doing cardio the whole pregnancy has seemed to have paid off so far. I feel like compared to the other two pregnancies that this is the best and fastest that my physique somewhat came back. I’m hoping that this means that when I can start working out again that I can get back to where I was faster before I was pregnant. Although I really want to, I know I need to hold myself back from jumping back into the fitness train just yet. My insides still hurt and sleep is coming next to none with the newborn, so I need to make sure I take my time to heal and get into a decent routine so I don’t hurt myself physically prolonging my comeback and don’t give myself too much stress mentally on such a lack of sleep. Got to remember to be patient and take care of ourselves mentally and physically, so when we are able to come back to our old routine we can come back full force and better than ever. Although I know that it will be a slow progress to the top again and getting to be able to do what I was able to do before at such high levels, it is good to remember that we need to be forgiving to ourselves and to be patient because healing takes time especially after having a baby.

 

 

 

 

Beginning and End to All Pregnancies

Last week on the morning of March 8th making me exactly 39 weeks pregnant we had an unexpected arrival!!! Our third baby was born after 10 hours of labor, which is the longest labor I have had. Now here is the kicker…. she arrived at 9 lbs and 1 oz…. Here are the pictures of the beginning and end to each of my pregnancies.

IMG_20180301_192645_288.jpg

The top two pictures are from my first pregnancy, the second two are from my second, and the third set of two is from my last one.

IMG_20180301_193155_571.jpg

In the top picture is the first and last picture from my second and third pregnancies in a front view. So as you can see from all of the pictures I started with more abs and was fitter with my third and was able to stay as fit as I could making my stomach look a bit smaller than it had with my other pregnancies. I really thought that this last baby would be smaller too, but apparently I was completely wrong. Our first baby was exactly 7 lbs and was only 19 1/4th inches long. Our second baby was 8 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. and This last baby was a whole 9 lbs 1 oz and 20 inches long…..  At the end of my first pregnancy I had gained 25 lbs, at the end of my second I had gained 16 lbs, and at the end of my third I had gained 30 lbs.

Below is a picture that shows pretty well the size of each of the babies compared to me after they were born.

PhotoGrid_1520546090498.jpg

Angela was our first baby born only 2 days before I turned 40 weeks, Sarah our second born at exactly 39 weeks, and Dawn is our third and last born also at exactly 39 weeks. All born healthy. The only issues we had was Angela had a little jaundice, but not enough to bring home a blanket and we didn’t have to keep her in the hospital and Dawn had just a little issue with her blood sugar levels dropping since she was so big, but we were able to take her home after only one day 🙂

It seems that with each pregnancy that I worked out more each baby grew bigger than the last inside of me. My first pregnancy I only walked, my second pregnancy I only ran, and this last pregnancy I did weighted work outs and for my cardio I did running/biking or the elliptical/ stairs depending on the weather.

Below are my cardio logs from when we first found out we were pregnant on July 4th to the end of the pregnancy.

 

20180315_082941

 

20180315_082945

20180315_085836

Now onto recovery for 6 weeks before I can start all over with trying to build myself up physically again, but happily I hopefully won’t have to start all over again in the future since this was our last pregnancy 🙂 I’m excited to finally have my body back and am super blessed and happy that I was able to birth three beautiful healthy baby girls over the span of the last almost 6 years. And with that my pregnancy fitness journey posts will end.

Man of My Dreams (Poem)

PhotoGrid_1520228469954

Man of My Dreams

You are the man of my dreams.

You are the man of my world.

You fill up my being.

You grant me my thrills.

You hold onto my heart.

You deliver me hope.

You conquer my dark.

You never let me go.

Thankful for you,

I always will be.

You are the love of my life.

You are the man of my dreams.