The Show That Surprised Me

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This is going to be an interesting post. I wouldn’t normally write I guess what you could maybe call a “review” on a show, although I do have many opinions on a lot of shows, but this show caught me by surprise. I had just finished New Girl and needed a new comedy to watch on Netflix because I was not yet ready to dive into my usual dramas and deal with being tear jerked around. So, I decided to try to watch a show that I figured I would end up hating and give up on. When I was a senior, a parent of someone I lived with briefly, used to watch The Office all the time. I tried to watch it with her one day,  but did not find it humorous at all and could not get into it. I pretty much found it annoying, useless, and a waste of time. For some reason though, I decided to give it another chance almost ten years later and watch it from the beginning. I was truly blown away with all the lessons that it had embedded into it, especially the most important one it focused on.

So, of course I’m not going to give away any spoilers from this show. Letting that be known now, but for anyone who doesn’t know, it is a show that takes place in a paper company. It is about some pretty unique, yet in some areas, average people all working together in an office together. Sounds pretty boring, right? Yet somehow they made it interesting and a little funny. From the beginning to the end, you get to watch the employees all work together to try to make the most out of their boring jobs and their life. They grow close together like a family, help bring one another up, and share many special moments together. It definitely brightens your mood and makes you see that even in the most boring jobs and places in life that there is a lot more going on if you look hard enough and that those places really aren’t that boring at all.

The thing that grasped my attention throughout the whole show was the message that no matter how many times you get knocked down, you need to get back up and stay positive no matter the situation or circumstance. You find your purpose in life and you keep trying to achieve that no matter what life throws your way because at some point you will most likely get there or even someplace better than you thought you could.

My favorite character in the show that showed me this was surprisingly Dwight. At the beginning, I was like “I’m going to hate this dude”, but he ended up being one of the biggest go getters, respectful, loyal, a good friend, and more caring than most of the people in the show. Throughout most of the entire show he is picked on by Jim tremendously, but somehow he does not let that slow him down or get him down. Every prank and every day he gets himself back up and pursues his goals towards gaining respect from his peers and his career. He was a true inspiration for me.

One of my other favorite characters was Michael. Although his humor was pretty rude, you could tell he had a good heart and no matter how left out or hated he felt he still kept trying to make people happy and laugh. He had said multiple times in the show that his biggest goal in life was to make his “family”, which was the people he worked with, laugh and enjoy their life. Even though most of the time he made them hate their lives, he still worked very hard to show everyone how much he saw them as family, and everyone but one person he worked with, saw and noticed that. His dream was to belong somewhere and have a family and he never gave up on that dream.

Pam’s goal in life was to follow her dreams to become an artist. Many many times she was put down for her work, not supported by the people whose support mattered the most to her, and she failed herself multiple times which only brought her down about herself even more. But even though she kept letting herself be let down and kept putting herself down for periods of time, she always ended up making herself pick herself back up and keep focused on her dream, which did end up paying off more than she could have imagined in the end. Following and staying focused on her dream made her finally feel worthy and important in life, which had been having trouble with since the beginning of the series.

The last person I’m going to talk about, even though there are many I could, is the obvious character in the series who never gave up going after his dream, Jim. Jim’s dream was love. He wanted to love and be loved by somebody and never fully gave up on that vision for his future. Even when things started to go south for a period of time and he was close to losing that dream forever, he gave up one of the things that mattered almost as much to him to focus on getting that dream back. He is an amazing example of ‘if you love something, go after it’.

I could pinpoint every character and talk about how they emphasized in the show to never give up, but I’m not going to. If you really want to know, I would watch it. It may surprise you. The reason why I am writing this is because it surprised me and there may be someone out there not willing to give the show a chance, but who may really need it in their lives to help them keep going.

“They Do”

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I’m going to keep on the happy stuff this week because what is better than when you are sad and trying to get out of a funk than writing happy things? 🙂 This week has been pretty emotional and hard. Maybe I will make it evident later why it has been, but that isn’t important right now. So I will leave you with kind of cute poem that I wrote when I was younger before I met my husband. I’m not positive if I was dating anyone at the time, but I guess I made my own little brief happy ending with whoever was in my thoughts at the time.

They went through heartache

in pain and in grief.

They separated for a while,

but then realized what they need.

He needed her.

She made him smile each day.

She needed him.

With him, nightmares go away.

They finally came back

to each other “they do”,

and now they’re happily married

ending their doom.

It’s Never Easy, So Celebrate!

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I’ve actually heard from many older couples that their wedding anniversary is just another day. I really hope to never get that way. I don’t understand how something that is hard to work for, because all marriages aren’t easy, and something that created life, a beautiful story, and countless adventures could not be celebrated. Although, I also am the type who gives a joyous ‘horray!’ on the anniversary that we got together because I also don’t understand why anyone would just sweep away the three years or so that they had been together before marriage. Maybe it is because I owe a lot to my husband. Maybe it is because he has helped bring me further in life and helped me be happier in life than I ever thought I would be. Maybe it is because I am also celebrating the beginning of my journey of learning to find myself and love myself. Who knows. But as many times as we have been down and have picked each other up, as many times as we have held each other in each others arms as one or both of us cried our hearts out, as many times as we have encouraged each other and pushed each other to be the best we can be. It is a true and amazing partnership. The best partnership that life could grant you. Swearing to stand together against all, love each other no matter what, and help each other feel loved and wanted are not easy things to do all the time, no matter how in love you are. It is two unique souls who want to be together, but at the same time sometimes want to stand alone and find themselves. It is an agreement to do what is best for each other and best for oneself, while having to sometimes chose one or the other when the thing that is for the best for one person isn’t the best for the other. It is trying to get inside each others head and understand where the other is coming from, while pushing your own emotions aside for longer than you may want. Making it through another year of keeping each other up and moving and not giving up is an amazing reason to celebrate. Making it through another year where you have both figured out how to make your love blossom even more is an amazing reason to give a big hooray! Making it through another year of putting aside what you both may have wanted countless times to make the other person happy when they needed it is an amazing reason to distinguish your one day out of the year from any others because that is the one day that your journey and new book started, where you both weren’t alone anymore, but together, promised to each other in front of God and in front of all.

Worst Battle Of My Life (including 3 poems)

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So the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life so far has been an eating disorder. I fought, lost, and dealt with it for nine long horrible years. I finally was able to beat it, if you can call it that since it still lingers, and have been “clean” for almost two years and eight months now. It is seriously amazing how different you view things and how much easier it is to enjoy life and everything around you when you are not fighting for your life against your body and your mind. I am beyond thankful to my husband because without him I seriously would not have been able to make it this far. He never gave me an ultimatum, but just stood by my side, gave me stability, and was there to comfort me and talk to me when I needed it, even if that meant countless hours of talking me through the same things over and over again. Now I am more happy with myself than I have been in my entire life, and I am beginning to love myself and see myself as a friend instead of an enemy. So, here are some of the poems that I did while battling the disorder near the beginning. To give you a time reference it all started near the end of seventh grade or in the summer after seventh grade when I completely stopped eating and would work out until I would pass out. I had many scares and even would pass out on the side of the road during a run. That was scary because before then I’ve never seen a road come up to meet you in the face before you blacked out, but then without even knowing that it was a thing I started eating again and throwing up. Which landed me in the hospital after a while when I wasn’t able keep water down anymore. My blood pressure was 70/40 and I weighed 92 pounds. Then I was sent to rehab, which didn’t do anything for me because I was the only one in the place with an eating disorder, and as soon as I got out my mom took me out for pizza, and then on the way home I had her pull over and I threw up again. After that everything went from there with me even eating food out of dumpsters sometimes and wasting any money I could get a hold of to buy food from gas stations at one or two in the morning while everyone was sleeping and finding anywhere I could to hide to binge and purge. I would do it at family gatherings. I would do it when friends and family were were just in the other room. Anywhere and anytime I could find, I would do it. Sometimes it would even get way more than up to twenty times a day. Once I could drive, well then that didn’t help at all, and it was nine beyond horrible years that this went on that I wish I could take back. But now I weigh around 140 pounds 🙂 sometimes even 145 if I do a super heavy weight program for a few months, and I feel healthier and happier than ever and am super ecstatic to be as far away from that nightmare as I am now because I never thought I would be.

She’s so confused.

So lost in her head.

Thinking weight is what matters,

so she’s sinking in dread.

She knows she’s killing herself,

but she just can’t quit.

She feels bad with what she’s doing,

but see’s no way out of it.

Shes scared to eat anything,

yet wants it so much.

Getting into everything

and making it come up.

Why can’t she control herself?

Why can’t she just quit?

There’s so many people praying for her

trying to get her out of it.

But she knows she can’t do it,

unless she helps herself.

She has to learn to eat

and stop swimming in doubt.

She wants a good future,

but know it will never come

if she keeps going down this road

not finding a way up.

(A second poem I wrote in my journal right after that)

It’s such a mix-up,

Which way should I go?

Should I go with my fear

and let everything show?

Should I not eat at all

in worry of weight?

Or should I have it all?

It’s never too late.

I could purge it up later

and go out for a run.

Ugh… I want chocolate,

or do I want none?

Ugh! What’s with my mind?

Why can’t I think?

Can think only of food.

Can do nothing but freak. 

No, I can’t have anything.

Got to lose weight. 

But come on, it’s delicious

it’s got to be fate. 

I know I’m addicted.

Addicted to food,

but I’m also scared of it.

Could that happen too?

Why am I all three?

Why not just one.

Why do I have to starve, binge, and purge?

Why can’t I be none?

(Poem I have done after “beating” the disorder for more than a couple of years. I’m afraid it will always be there waiting for me, but with knowing that I know that each year I just have to get stronger in my mind, with my self image, and with my relationship with myself.)

It lingers

awaiting

awaiting the fall.

Will you give in

and just lose it all?

Will you let all your hard work

suffer in disgrace,

when you pick up the infliction

and lose all your faith?

 

(A picture of when I was admitted to the hospital. They brought in a dog to try to raise my blood pressure.)

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Make A Visual

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I do something that probably seems or would seem silly to most. I have written down on a piece of paper, in different colored markers :), my life goals and have it taped to my bedroom wall near the head of my bed. It was one of those things that I felt an urge to do one day. I wanted the things that I want to live by put into writing and put somewhere so I can see it everyday to remind me who I am striving to be and who I am.

If you are struggling with finding yourself, or want a little extra push for yourself, I would suggest that you maybe do the same. Another good place you could put your little list of goals is taped to your bathroom mirror if you have your own personal bathroom. If part of you wants to, but you are scared that you will look dumb doing it, I’m here to tell you to not worry about that. How does it look dumb to have something to strive to be? How does it look dumb to have put into writing like a contract the things that are your core values? Your life goals show what is important to you and show who you are. Just because you might not be exactly where you want to be right now, just desiring to be somewhere reveals where your heart is. It uncovers what really matters most in life to you and where your soul craves to be. It isn’t stupid to put something like that someplace personal. If someone saw it, it would just show them how serious you are about bettering yourself and how goal driven you are. There is nothing wrong with that. If someone feels the need to make fun of that or think less of you, then they aren’t that great of a person to be around and let’s see where they are at with their goals in five years or less compared to you.

My life goals are pretty simple in a certain aspect. I have them numbered on my wall, but to me some of them are of equal importance to the others. I have written as my number one to be a great mom. To help my kids have fun, learn lessons, and grow into great people. My number two I have written down to help people learn about and love their bodies, while helping them achieve their fitness goals. My number three is to be a great writer and be able to reach many people and help them find peace in their minds and souls. My last one is to be a great wife and to make sure that I am understanding towards what my husband is going through.

The husband one and the children one are pretty basic, but they are very important to me, and sometimes I feel like we get so caught up in our own emotions and our career paths that we forget about what we are needing and wanting to do for our family, so I like the reminder because I really do hope to be called an amazing mom and an amazing wife by my kids and husband. The fitness and writing goals are goals that make me strive to carve myself into what I hope to do for my career path because to me the mind and body are my passions and I want to be able to help people as much as I can for my soul.

So if you feel the urge to take this step and write your goals down, do it! Even if it is only to look at it for a second to see the type of person you hope to become and get a visual of who you may be later on. There is nothing wrong with putting your goals into writing and looking at them time and time again to make sure you are on the right path.

(Three Poems) Crazy What We Can Pull Through

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I’m going to do three poems today from my past. Not the worst ones. There are some that I am a little hesitant to share, but maybe I will get to them one day. I have just so many journals full of them. I want to get them all out there, but I’m not a fan of letting anyone into my past and seeing my dark side. I’m talking my really really dark. But I feel like people should know that no matter how dark you may be or have gone, that you can pick yourself back up. Some of my horribly terrifying poems I have written shock me at how messed up I really was. I look at myself now and I feel so much stronger, better, and happier. I remember not too long ago when I thought that I would never be able to make it out of a certain something. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, but I did it. I conquered something that I never thought would be possible, and doing that has made me realize that there are so many things that I can do and accomplish that I don’t even know about yet. It has made my marriage stronger, it has made me desire more to better myself, and it has helped me help people close to me and I’m hoping one day people who don’t even know me.

When Are You Theirs?

They keep coming and coming,

visions black with fear.

Eyes start blurring

from straining them to clear.

They won’t go away,

small glimpses of hell.

Killing, sex, and burning,

people dying out.

They keep on taunting,

never going away.

With nothing left worth seeing,

our imagination it plays.

Words they keep on coming,

silent as the grave.

All filled with lust and torture,

raping another’s game.

They just keep on stalking. 

People, they want to sleep.

Kids while they’re playing.

Pets while they eat.

They just sit and watch at sin,

of sex, guilt, and play,

of lust, envy, and anger,

anything that’s lame.

While we’re all lame inside,

can’t move. Can’t think.

Can’t swim. Can’t flush out evil.

Can’t work. Can’t sleep.

We have things go in our heads.

Are they real? Are they true?

Is it when they control,

or end up marking you?

Marking you with scratches

from their icy fingers that burn.

With eyes that slice like knives.

With memories that yearn.

Is it when they make you suffer?

Is it when they make you play?

While making you have sex?

No control left to escape.

Leaving, It’s up to them.

To make fear rule.

As you keep on having visions,

while the demons take with you.

(When Are You Theirs was when I was having hallucinations when I was in late middle school and early high school, which I’m pretty sure were caused by a mix of medications I was taking. I won’t go into what the hallucinations were of course. Also, just so it is known, I am only now just naming some of these poems so it is easier to separate them and find out their meaning. In my journals they have no names. The poem below this I won’t name.)

Life is done.

Death is near.

We all hear panic.

We all see fear.

We close our eyes

to block out the pain.

The darkness has taken,

the light from the day.

She runs to hide.

Hide herself from strife.

He comes for her.

Comes to take her life.

He grabs her now,

rape in his mind.

His face all darkness.

His eyes not kind.

His hands all cold.

He holds the knife

and thrusts it home.

Her end in sight.

It strikes her heart.

She holds her breath.

Blood in her mouth.

Blood on her breast.

Her face turns pale.

She sheds one last tear.

Blood in her eyes, she swallows

the last of her fears.

(A poem with a mixture of elements I was obsessed with and that were going on at the time.)

Please

I’m lost, lonely,

frustrated, scared.

Worried, confused,

trapped, and bare.

My thoughts are running.

I’m drifting away.

I’ll never know if

I’ll see another day.

Everyone reads me

when I want to stay closed.

Waiting to seize me.

Me not wanting to go.

Waiting forever

for someone who’s real.

Not leaving me helpless

and making me feel.

Being numb and cold

not feeling a thing

makes you …. want to

only just dream.

Because while everything’s moving

as fast as it goes.

It calls into question

how far we will go.

Will we go on forever?

Are you and me real?

Or am I just sitting alone

waiting to feel?

Feel someone with me.

Someone against my skin.

Someone to love me

and let me in.

Someone to work with.

Someone to hold.

Please tell me you are out there.

And where I should go.

I’m done with being confused,

lonely, and scared.

I’m in desperate need to find you.

I need you here.

(Another one from my past, but sometimes I find some mistakes and/or I add on and finish up some poems from my past. Which is what I did for this one. It is great to see more clearly now. Not as clear as I would want to, of course, but clearer than when I was younger. Just have to keep sifting through our minds and figuring things out until life is precious to us again. Diving into these poems in my past feels like greeting and getting to re-know the past me. Sometimes it is dark and scary, but it helps to know that I did and have pulled through, and if I ever get encountered by darkness as black and vivid as what I have encountered in the past, that it is more than possible to pull through it again. :))

 

 

“Monsters are fake!”

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“Monsters are fake!” She yells at her mom.

Her mom stares at her five year old daughter with a smirk and an evil look in her eyes, “No, honey. They’re not…” she whispers. “Look around you…” she grabs her daughter’s arm as her daughter lets out a scream.

Her mom’s grip was tight and bruising her arm. She was being dragged to a mirror.

“See!” her mother yells. “Look in there! Now don’t you see a monster!?”

The girl looks at herself in the mirror, crying. She did see a monster. Two in fact. One holding the other by the arm.

 

(another piece of writing I did in my past)