Man of My Dreams (Poem)

PhotoGrid_1520228469954

Man of My Dreams

You are the man of my dreams.

You are the man of my world.

You fill up my being.

You grant me my thrills.

You hold onto my heart.

You deliver me hope.

You conquer my dark.

You never let me go.

Thankful for you,

I always will be.

You are the love of my life.

You are the man of my dreams.

Spreading Thin

IMG_20170730_063031_547

I’m breaking 
I’m failing 
I’m tearing at the seams 
I’m hopeless
I’m trying 
 growing more tired it only seems
Can’t hold myself together 
Can’t talk with any skill
Can’t get through the day
With any extra time to fill
I’m running
I’m planning 
Trying not to break down
 I’m working
I’m grasping
No comfort to be found 
I’m fauxing a smile
That’s getting worse every day
I’m trying to breathe without crying 
Trying to keep monsters at bay
But every day they seep closer
I’m closer to giving up
Just need some time to rest
Just need some time to slump
Need some time for myself
Time I’ll never have
that time doesn’t exist 
In my world or my head
Need as much time as i can savor
For my dreams and my goals
When in reality I’m failing 
Dying, becoming skin and bones
I’m running myself ragged
Running myself sick 
Trying too hard for everything 
Spreading myself thin

I Found You (Poem)

IMG_20170707_082411_173

Decided to display one of my happier poems today because I sure need the distraction and reminder of love from the things I’m stressing about in life right now <3. Hope it can help you too if you need it.

I Found You

I found you.

The one half to form my two,

my twin flame, my lover, my friend,

the one to make my search end,

I found you.

The one to change my life,

wash away my pain,

and keep me from flight,

happiness soars, sadness out of sight,

I found you.

The one every breath counts on,

the one every dream leans on,

the only one my heart beats from,

I found you.

Yes, I found you.

Finding The Other Half Of Your Soul, But Awaiting His Uncertain Boundless Return Continued

2017-05-08 18.11.48.jpg

In my previous post from last week, I explained how my husband worked nonstop which left me countless days and hours with myself. Some days were harder than others and sometimes no matter how hard I tried to keep myself and my mind busy, the doubts, fear, and depression came working their way into my soul. I said I would continue from last weeks post with a few more poems that were deeper and more broken from some of my harder days. Here they are.

Sick Of

Having a hard time holding on.

Too many things broken to fix.

Broken love, broken soul, broken promises

with no mending on your list.

Sick of no time to rebuild.

Sick of no time on your watch.

Sick of little children’s tears

and mommy stuck cleaning up.

Sick of hearing “Where’s daddy?”

Sick of what was important being no more.

Sick of underappreciating 

what once was us before you opened this door.

Don’t know if I can hold on any longer.

Having a hard time not letting go.

Don’t know if we will ever have time to fix this,

since it’s just like you to never show.

 

In Need Of Touchable Nostalgia

Falling apart.

Tears falling down.

Not what I used to be.

No where to be found.

Can’t be a good mommy,

when all I carry is grief.

All I need is to see you.

I need things how they used to be.

 

Want You Back

I loved it when you cared.

I loved it when I could open up.

I loved you when you were you,

before you gave all that up.

You went into the darkness.

The darkness I tried so hard to hide.

Working for things that don’t matter.

No more caring what’s inside.

Dreams are what took you.

Good intentions, you’re falling fast.

Demons are what lead you

down this long lost path.

Please come back to us.

I’m begging for you, please.

Family isn’t what it is without you.

We aren’t what we used to be.

We all cry for you in the distance.

Just wanting you to come home.

We really don’t care about the money.

We just want you back to hold.

Finding The Other Half Of Your Soul, But Awaiting His Uncertain Boundless Return

2017-05-08 18.00.07.jpg
Playing Hero
She sits in the dark awaiting
her loved one who never comes.
Her thoughts drift to pictures
of them when they were young.
They were laughing and dancing,
never without a smile.
Kisses and hugs,
man, it seems like such a while.
But he is off playing hero
for the family he deserves.
So she sits and waits quietly
knowing that when he can he will return.
Life on Repeat
I miss you.
I kiss you.
We hug
and you leave.
Same thing every day.
Every day on repeat.
When will things change?
You say change will come soon.
I want to believe you,
but I only see doom.
           When I first met this man, he was working at DQ and was definitely what I would categorize as a boy who loved to do the stupidest things and get hurt. Then he went to work at Burger King in our small town for awhile before he transferred burger kings to the one in Lafayette where we moved to to go to Purdue. There he worked part time and went to school to be an engineer full time, until his friend presented him with a better job working at WWL. He took it and then started working full time third shift, with a lot of overtime and continued to go to school full time. I swear he didn’t sleep. Then he sadly failed a class. Not because he wasn’t smart enough, but because we lived in a bad part of town and his gas got siphoned on the day of his exam. He actually pushed his jeep to the gas station to fill it back up, but still ended up late to his exam and they wouldn’t let him in so he failed. He was obviously upset and discouraged, but it didn’t let him completely down. We ended up finding a better apartment in a better area that we moved to since I was now pregnant. He started Ivy Tech with a different major now in mechanics since he decided he wanted to do something that he loved with his life. He continued life still working full time and getting any overtime possible to help us get by, going to school full time, and helping me with the baby when he could. Then after awhile with some more months of schooling still left for him to finish we bought a house in Wanatah. Right after that he lost his job. I’m talking directly after that. But he refused to let that slow him down. He found a job up north in Porter. And continued to work full time there, while traveling to Lafayette to go to his college classes to try to finish. Some days he would sleep in our now empty apartment since our lease wasn’t up yet, but I would hate to know how much sleep he missed. I know that the driving so much back and forth scared me with how sleep deprived he was. But finally he graduated and was able to stay up north with us. He ended up getting a second job part time to help us get by. Until he found another job that paid better with crazy long hours. Then after switching jobs once again to go back to work as a mechanic he ended up impressing some people and ended up switching fields doing something that he never would have imagined doing, didn’t know exsisted, but happily enjoyed. But then he started working more and more almost 17 or 18 hours a day and night for at first weeks until it turned into months trying to start up a company on top of the job he was already working. Then days would go by without him even coming home working crazy like always. But finally he has started his own company with a couple companions and is back down to one job. Watching him work his body sick for years has been incredibly hard, but I couldn’t be more amazed and proud that it has paid off for him. He is definitely the definition of determination and a hard worker to me. It has been amazing to watch him grow from that boy who didn’t care if he ended up in the hospital for a thrill to the man he is today doing anything and everything he can for the little family he has built.

          So, as you can see my husband worked a lot and nonstop so he could build the dream life he wants for himself and his family. He still continues to do this to this day, but so far things have gotten better. Throughout the years though it was not easy waiting with the heart breaking for the one you love to return and fill you with the love you so desperately needed to be filled up with again to keep going. My husband is a hero in my eyes, not just for working as hard as he has forever for us, but for fixing me and getting me to the point where I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. He helped me get to a place where I never thought or dreamed I could have ever gotten to. I can actually love and enjoy life now and focus on my goals instead of battling with myself mentally and physically every day. I truly owe him my life. But as I said, the journey was not easy. There were a few times that depression and loneliness started to work deep into my mind and made things harder than they needed to be. Not today, but Tuesday I will continue this with some of the more deeply broken poems where I started to lose hope that things would ever get better and I started to lose faith in our bond.  

(Sorry about there being no spaces between paragraphs and poems. For some reason it won’t let me fix it and it only wants to stay this way. Except for this last paragraph.)

Afterthought

IMG_20170609_151739_622

Just an afterthought in your mind

when I hold something you need.

Otherwise we never meet eyes

and you despise the likes of me.

Never will it come to an understanding.

This cycle will never end.

Since I’m the trash you take out and forget

the moment my usefulness ends.

Fighting The Too Common Tragedy (Three Poems)

IMG_20170804_071730_518

 

Lately, I don’t know if it is because of the age group we have reached or if it is something else, but there have been more and more suicides in our community. When I say community, I am meaning friends or family of our peers or our peers themselves. Maybe it is because of Facebook and the better access we now have to what is going on in people’s lives that we are more aware of this sad and tragic occurrence happening more often. I really don’t know if it truly is more common now, or if it always has been, but either way it always comes as a shock that shakes us to our core. What I do know though is that the pain the victim feels is real and that it is a hard and difficult struggle between life and themselves in those moments before they decide to take their own life or decide to continue living. I know it is difficult for many to understand and that the concept or thought of taking your own life is unfathomable, but people do at moments deeply feel like the world does not need them and that everyone around them would be better off without them. There are moments that people feel too worn down and weak mentally to keep carrying on the road that they are on and see no other way out of their pain. These are three poems I wrote the day after I found out that there was one suicide attempt and one successful suicide that happened on the same night. It frightened me more so than usual because that same night I was also struggling like I have many times before. It was and still is eerie to me that in a small area so many people were feeling and contemplating the same things. I feel like I can manage the thoughts decently enough since I have battled them on and off for many years. After awhile for me it just becomes a nuisance and a focus on the duties in life I have and need to complete, because what helps carry me through is all the things I know I still need and want to accomplish and that I want to be around to hold my children for as long as I can. Also looking at all the times that I had thought the same thoughts and have come close to the same dreadful end along with the fact that I am still here helps pull me through knowing that it gets better. The more you fight it, the stronger you become towards those thoughts in my belief.

 

I Was Almost You

I was almost you…

I saw your name today and realized I never knew you,

but yet I did.

We were in the same place last night.

We were lost in the same unforgiving darkness

willing to take a life.

We were both struggling hard

trying to hold onto any amount of breath we could breathe.

We were trying to forgive ourselves,

trying too hard to please.

For a moment the thought flickered across our feeble minds,

but that moment was too long for you,

that moment was your time.

Now today I’m alive and breathing my normal breathes.

Shocked that you were in the same place as me.

Yet, I never would have guessed.

Maybe if we could have called out to each other,

desperate souls trying hard to see.

I would have found you

and you would now be alive with me.

I look to the face this morning

of my little baby girl

and realize that no amount of darkness

should be allowed to take us from this world. 

 

Why Without Goodbyes?

It’s crazy how common it is,

the thing that flashes through my mind.

To give up when you still have fifty years to live.

To give up and take your life.

I cannot understand how hard it is,

even though I’ve visited more than twice.

Why it is never completely possible to fight it.

Why we give in without goodbyes.

I don’t get why when we are in the deepest of our lows,

how hard it is to realize that we have so much more time to grow.

That in that amount of time things can get better than we even believe.

Why do we not ever give it the chance?

Why do we not take our time and breathe?

 

Monster in the Town

Was there something in our town last night?

Something searching for souls.

Something trying to dive into the weakest of minds,

trying to make people let go.

Who knows how many people tried to come to their lives’ end.

I know that at least one succeeded, and that it almost had my head.