Category: Short Writing

Posted on

Dressing Up In Dreams

Few things make me extremely happy. Dressing up in fantasy land with my family is one of them! This was a dream come true for me. Also this was a new first and hopefully not a last! Watching these characters that could come from so many stories so full of life and inspiration was so amazing. And what made it even more than amazing was the fact that they were my blood. It was incredible to be able to finally let loose, which is what I have been trying to teach myself to do when it comes to following my heart and passions in this life. To finally be able to be myself with my family and take off the mask I wear every day was memorable and I hope will be impactful for myself when I look at these pictures. A great story will come of this someday! I promise and cannot wait to share!! Maybe one day more passionate dreams will come true and people will be walking around bringing my own characters that I share with the world to life! 🙂

Posted on

Writing Through Our Fear Mold

Writing can be intimidating. With every single sentence and every single word we write, we often begin to second guess ourselves. Especially if what we are writing is for more eyes than our own. How are we supposed to get away from that, especially if we are wanting to become professional writers? Do we ever break away from that? Is that something that just follows us forever? Will we ever have enough confidence in ourselves just to write?

We have this mold. And this mold is the self that we want to shape ourselves into and how we believe we should be seen. It is a container held in by our fear. The fear that if you step out of this shape that people will hate you, that you will get rejected, that your ideas won’t be competent enough, and that you will find out once and for all that you as a person and a writer aren’t good enough. Because of that we end up living in these little boxes only sharing and showing the same things over and over again that we know fit into this mold and that everyone likes. It is hard to step out. It is hard to be unique. It is hard to be ourselves. It is hard just to have fun writing.

Like writing this. It is hard. You can bet I am nervous. It is hard to write just what I want to write and to have enough confidence in myself to share it. It is hard to even speak my ideas, let alone let myself build up these great plans that I know I love and think are fantastic, but for some reason can’t help but to think what if other people don’t feel the same way? It is hard to step away from the fear of being proven wrong and feeling my already own shaky self-image start to crumble. It is hard to ignore all the self-doubts in my head and shove them aside just to have fun writing.

But the real question is what if no one gets to love and experience your brilliance and your ideas? What if you could really get somewhere and be great? What if you are holding yourself back from the amazing person you already are?

What do you do?

The only answer I have for you to be able to break through is to WRITE. Just write. And have fun doing it. We all know that writing fills up the soul in ways nothing else can, but what we don’t know is each time you write you become braver. You gain more courage and strength to speak your words because if you did it once, you can do it again, and again, and again, and show the world and yourself that you have a voice. That you have courage. That you have passion. And that each time you can break more from your mold. Every time I give myself permission to just write what I want and just let myself fall into my love for writing it becomes easier, like a muscle needing worked.

Let your writing break your mold for you. Let it slip through the cracks and test the waters so you can realize that you are safe and you are ok and you can put yourself out to the world. Let yourself prove to yourself that you can be who you are, write what you want, and have fun doing it! That your uniqueness is something that can be craved.

My mold that keeps me from sharing and spreading my ideas, my stories, my worlds, and my escapes every day begins to break and crack. And personally, writing and sharing this has been more for myself than anyone else. It is a nice reminder to look back on and to hold myself up to. My own words to live by. If I hadn’t written this, where would I be today?

Confined by my mold.

But instead I am working on breaking free.

Posted on

Names

Names. Powers to describe the universe. Yet, can’t fully define you. Why do we live by names and not the stories beneath? The real magick is how the names came to be.

I’m just going to dive right in. I love the stories behind names. I think they are amazing and really tell a lot about the person who gave the name. Not the person who got the name, but the person who told their thought process, past, what is important to them, and what has special meaning to them when giving the name.

Take me for example. I have three daughters. I wanted to make sure that together as one their names were powerful and it is my belief that true power dwells in sounds like syllables. Just like how poetry can really affect your soul by the flow of the words in verse. To make their names powerful in syllables for their names to be able to fit together, I had my oldest daughter’s first name have 3 syllables and her middle name have 1. My second daughter’s first name have 2 syllables and her middle name have 2. And my last daughter’s first name have 1 syllable and her middle name have 3. That way they all equally have four but the syllables are distributed differently forming a full circle. And it goes

Angela, Sarah, Dawn

     3           2          1

   Lee,   Nicole,  Abigail

      1          2            3

Also, they are each named after two people. Angela’s first name is after one of the nicest people I had ever met and worked with, and her middle name is a family name that goes back generations. Sarah’s first name is after a best friend from elementary school and her middle name is from two very important red-headed friends that influenced my life and were both named Nicole when I was younger. When I lost one, I gained the other. Dawn’s first name is named after the Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the character named Dawn from Pokémon.

Just by looking at their names it doesn’t tell you much, but by all of that you learn a piece of who I really am. Which, if you can’t guess, is a crazy geek who definitely overthinks but who really believes friendship is important and who takes some people deeply to heart, even and especially characters.

Now as a writer, naming a character verses naming a child is quite different. A character’s names can actually tell you personally about the character more than it would naming a child. When you name a child, you don’t truly know them yet and they end up molding the name to fit them and they make a story of their own with it. When we name a character, the name is sometimes put to the adventure or you end up asking yourself what name may best describe this character and what defines them? You shape the story around the name or the name around the story. You already know the character in your mind and want to reflect what you know. Who do they feel like they are? What do they feel like they should be named? Both are questions that may be asked and you feel like the character is already speaking to you. But once again, the question of why did you decide to give that name is so much more interesting than just what is the name. The real magick is how the names came to be.

Posted on

Finding The Other Half Of Your Soul, But Awaiting His Uncertain Boundless Return

2017-05-08 18.00.07.jpg
Playing Hero
She sits in the dark awaiting
her loved one who never comes.
Her thoughts drift to pictures
of them when they were young.
They were laughing and dancing,
never without a smile.
Kisses and hugs,
man, it seems like such a while.
But he is off playing hero
for the family he deserves.
So she sits and waits quietly
knowing that when he can he will return.
Life on Repeat
I miss you.
I kiss you.
We hug
and you leave.
Same thing every day.
Every day on repeat.
When will things change?
You say change will come soon.
I want to believe you,
but I only see doom.
           When I first met this man, he was working at DQ and was definitely what I would categorize as a boy who loved to do the stupidest things and get hurt. Then he went to work at Burger King in our small town for awhile before he transferred burger kings to the one in Lafayette where we moved to to go to Purdue. There he worked part time and went to school to be an engineer full time, until his friend presented him with a better job working at WWL. He took it and then started working full time third shift, with a lot of overtime and continued to go to school full time. I swear he didn’t sleep. Then he sadly failed a class. Not because he wasn’t smart enough, but because we lived in a bad part of town and his gas got siphoned on the day of his exam. He actually pushed his jeep to the gas station to fill it back up, but still ended up late to his exam and they wouldn’t let him in so he failed. He was obviously upset and discouraged, but it didn’t let him completely down. We ended up finding a better apartment in a better area that we moved to since I was now pregnant. He started Ivy Tech with a different major now in mechanics since he decided he wanted to do something that he loved with his life. He continued life still working full time and getting any overtime possible to help us get by, going to school full time, and helping me with the baby when he could. Then after awhile with some more months of schooling still left for him to finish we bought a house in Wanatah. Right after that he lost his job. I’m talking directly after that. But he refused to let that slow him down. He found a job up north in Porter. And continued to work full time there, while traveling to Lafayette to go to his college classes to try to finish. Some days he would sleep in our now empty apartment since our lease wasn’t up yet, but I would hate to know how much sleep he missed. I know that the driving so much back and forth scared me with how sleep deprived he was. But finally he graduated and was able to stay up north with us. He ended up getting a second job part time to help us get by. Until he found another job that paid better with crazy long hours. Then after switching jobs once again to go back to work as a mechanic he ended up impressing some people and ended up switching fields doing something that he never would have imagined doing, didn’t know exsisted, but happily enjoyed. But then he started working more and more almost 17 or 18 hours a day and night for at first weeks until it turned into months trying to start up a company on top of the job he was already working. Then days would go by without him even coming home working crazy like always. But finally he has started his own company with a couple companions and is back down to one job. Watching him work his body sick for years has been incredibly hard, but I couldn’t be more amazed and proud that it has paid off for him. He is definitely the definition of determination and a hard worker to me. It has been amazing to watch him grow from that boy who didn’t care if he ended up in the hospital for a thrill to the man he is today doing anything and everything he can for the little family he has built.

          So, as you can see my husband worked a lot and nonstop so he could build the dream life he wants for himself and his family. He still continues to do this to this day, but so far things have gotten better. Throughout the years though it was not easy waiting with the heart breaking for the one you love to return and fill you with the love you so desperately needed to be filled up with again to keep going. My husband is a hero in my eyes, not just for working as hard as he has forever for us, but for fixing me and getting me to the point where I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. He helped me get to a place where I never thought or dreamed I could have ever gotten to. I can actually love and enjoy life now and focus on my goals instead of battling with myself mentally and physically every day. I truly owe him my life. But as I said, the journey was not easy. There were a few times that depression and loneliness started to work deep into my mind and made things harder than they needed to be. Not today, but Tuesday I will continue this with some of the more deeply broken poems where I started to lose hope that things would ever get better and I started to lose faith in our bond.  

(Sorry about there being no spaces between paragraphs and poems. For some reason it won’t let me fix it and it only wants to stay this way. Except for this last paragraph.)

Posted on

Worst Battle Of My Life (including 3 poems)

unnamed (4)

So the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life so far has been an eating disorder. I fought, lost, and dealt with it for nine long horrible years. I finally was able to beat it, if you can call it that since it still lingers, and have been “clean” for almost two years and eight months now. It is seriously amazing how different you view things and how much easier it is to enjoy life and everything around you when you are not fighting for your life against your body and your mind. I am beyond thankful to my husband because without him I seriously would not have been able to make it this far. He never gave me an ultimatum, but just stood by my side, gave me stability, and was there to comfort me and talk to me when I needed it, even if that meant countless hours of talking me through the same things over and over again. Now I am more happy with myself than I have been in my entire life, and I am beginning to love myself and see myself as a friend instead of an enemy. So, here are some of the poems that I did while battling the disorder near the beginning. To give you a time reference it all started near the end of seventh grade or in the summer after seventh grade when I completely stopped eating and would work out until I would pass out. I had many scares and even would pass out on the side of the road during a run. That was scary because before then I’ve never seen a road come up to meet you in the face before you blacked out, but then without even knowing that it was a thing I started eating again and throwing up. Which landed me in the hospital after a while when I wasn’t able keep water down anymore. My blood pressure was 70/40 and I weighed 92 pounds. Then I was sent to rehab, which didn’t do anything for me because I was the only one in the place with an eating disorder, and as soon as I got out my mom took me out for pizza, and then on the way home I had her pull over and I threw up again. After that everything went from there with me even eating food out of dumpsters sometimes and wasting any money I could get a hold of to buy food from gas stations at one or two in the morning while everyone was sleeping and finding anywhere I could to hide to binge and purge. I would do it at family gatherings. I would do it when friends and family were were just in the other room. Anywhere and anytime I could find, I would do it. Sometimes it would even get way more than up to twenty times a day. Once I could drive, well then that didn’t help at all, and it was nine beyond horrible years that this went on that I wish I could take back. But now I weigh around 140 pounds 🙂 sometimes even 145 if I do a super heavy weight program for a few months, and I feel healthier and happier than ever and am super ecstatic to be as far away from that nightmare as I am now because I never thought I would be.

She’s so confused.

So lost in her head.

Thinking weight is what matters,

so she’s sinking in dread.

She knows she’s killing herself,

but she just can’t quit.

She feels bad with what she’s doing,

but see’s no way out of it.

Shes scared to eat anything,

yet wants it so much.

Getting into everything

and making it come up.

Why can’t she control herself?

Why can’t she just quit?

There’s so many people praying for her

trying to get her out of it.

But she knows she can’t do it,

unless she helps herself.

She has to learn to eat

and stop swimming in doubt.

She wants a good future,

but know it will never come

if she keeps going down this road

not finding a way up.

(A second poem I wrote in my journal right after that)

It’s such a mix-up,

Which way should I go?

Should I go with my fear

and let everything show?

Should I not eat at all

in worry of weight?

Or should I have it all?

It’s never too late.

I could purge it up later

and go out for a run.

Ugh… I want chocolate,

or do I want none?

Ugh! What’s with my mind?

Why can’t I think?

Can think only of food.

Can do nothing but freak. 

No, I can’t have anything.

Got to lose weight. 

But come on, it’s delicious

it’s got to be fate. 

I know I’m addicted.

Addicted to food,

but I’m also scared of it.

Could that happen too?

Why am I all three?

Why not just one.

Why do I have to starve, binge, and purge?

Why can’t I be none?

(Poem I have done after “beating” the disorder for more than a couple of years. I’m afraid it will always be there waiting for me, but with knowing that I know that each year I just have to get stronger in my mind, with my self image, and with my relationship with myself.)

It lingers

awaiting

awaiting the fall.

Will you give in

and just lose it all?

Will you let all your hard work

suffer in disgrace,

when you pick up the infliction

and lose all your faith?

 

(A picture of when I was admitted to the hospital. They brought in a dog to try to raise my blood pressure.)

554422_10151204440173677_564912590_n

 

Posted on

“Monsters are fake!”

unnamed (2)

“Monsters are fake!” She yells at her mom.

Her mom stares at her five year old daughter with a smirk and an evil look in her eyes, “No, honey. They’re not…” she whispers. “Look around you…” she grabs her daughter’s arm as her daughter lets out a scream.

Her mom’s grip was tight and bruising her arm. She was being dragged to a mirror.

“See!” her mother yells. “Look in there! Now don’t you see a monster!?”

The girl looks at herself in the mirror, crying. She did see a monster. Two in fact. One holding the other by the arm.

 

(another piece of writing I did in my past)

 

Posted on

Live To Inspire

unnamed (3)

Make it your life goal to inspire people. Constantly work on being that person who people look at and go, “WOW”. If everyone kept in mind that we are meant to build each other up and encourage each other, then everyone could keep inspiring one another until we have all succeeded and gone further in life and as a human race than we ever had before. If we all worked on being our own individual bests and focused on being inspirations, we could reach out and help people without even realizing it. We could motivate people to work on finding the best ways to live and do things that would make them happier. We could strengthen one another by giving each other hope that it is possible to accomplish goals and live an ideal and happy life no matter what anyone has been through. We should want to be the type of people that people see and think to themselves, “well, if they can do that or be that happy, then I can do this and be as happy.” We should want to inspire and spread hope for as many people as we can. We should want to be uplifting and influential. If we aim to be influential and inspirational, then not only could we inspire others, motivate, and change the world, but we would also be making ourselves happy and loving life in the process by doing what we love and being the best that we can be. Inspiration is what makes the world keep moving and changes lives. Inspiration is what keeps people uplifted and their dreams big. Be an inspiration. Live to inspire. Inspire to inspire.

Posted on

It Isn’t Stupid To Hold Onto Hope

unnamed

There is nothing wrong with holding onto hope. It doesn’t make you silly, stupid, or unwise. I know many people will tell you to let go and that things will never change so you need to get over it, but why let go of something that keeps your head up and keeps you driving forward? Why let go of something that keeps you motivated to work towards your goal and better yourself? Why give up on something that might be just within your reach?

In some situations that we find ourselves stuck in, hope ends up being our only glue, the only thing that keeps our hearts from breaking and keeps us from falling apart and going insane. Many people do not understand that. I don’t know if they think that they are thinking more logically in thinking that “if something isn’t going to change why pursue it and waste your time and energy?”. But I ask you, why not? If it is something that you really want, why not keep moving forward towards it? If nothing has been working, why not find different solutions and ways to approach it? Why not challenge yourself and think outside the box?

Even if you never get the one thing you have been hoping for, by never giving up on it you may find yourself someday somewhere that you never thought you would be. You could find yourself stronger and better than you ever imagined. You could find yourself a whole new person that you had grown into because you refused to give up hope and refused to sit around only wishing for the things you had hoped for and regretting giving up on them.

I say hold onto hope like it is a lifeline. If you are stuck underground in some kind of avalanche waiting for someone to rescue you, don’t give up hope and let your soul die in despair. Think positively and be hopeful because you never know, the thing you are hoping for may come in the moments you were willing to hold on a little while longer.

If you are being bullied and are hoping that things will stop. Don’t let go of that hope. The moment that you held on a little longer could be the moment that you end up finding a true friend that helps you through your pain.

If you are hoping that a family member will come back around someday. Don’t give up hope. That moment that you held on a little longer could be the moment they come back and then your heart will be ready and more open to accept them back into your life again without wasting too much time on anger or resentment.

Why let the journey to the one thing that you hope for be filled completely with sadness and dread? The moment that you give up hope, life comes crashing down around you in a sea of negativity and sorrow. Why let that happen? Why not hold onto the hope that maybe some day your desire will come to be? Why not come to the realization that life doesn’t have to be filled with anger, resentment, or sadness because you never know, someday the thing that you want to happen may happen. Come to the realization that if you live your life to the best of your ability then if the thing you want was meant to come to be, it will. If you get happy enough with yourself and your life you may even find yourself not wanting the thing that you have hoped for anymore and instead of sorrow and regret when you had let your hope go when it wasn’t ready to be let go yet, you may find it fading away leaving you happy and feeling lighter and still just as, if not more, fulfilled with life and yourself.

I’m not saying let the one thing you hope for consume you. Have more than one goal. Have more than one thing you are hopeful for. Have many things that you want to reach, achieve, love, and survive long enough to see. I’m saying that holding onto hope till your last breath isn’t a bad thing. I’m saying hold onto hope until the thing that you wanted so bad isn’t a thing that you see yourself wanting anymore. Hold onto hope so you can keep your head up and eyes held high looking forward living life and seeing the many blessings in it.

Hope carries us. If hope is holding out her hand, do not let go, let her guide you to a better place. Let her guide you to a place without darkness, depression, and unfulfilled needs. Embrace her and love her for what she is and what she gives all of us, comfort, peace, and motivation. Use her to keep you going to where you want to be. Even if where you end up is different than you had envisioned, it is better to had ended up there full of hope and love than going no where filled with dread and regret.

Posted on

Black Cocoon

unnamed (8)

This is something I wrote when I was in middle school. It definitely shows how lost and dark I was, which happily I’m not so much anymore. It does get better! You can get better! The pain that this character refused to deal with, well I finally dealt and faced a lot of it and it released me from hell.

 

She sits in her room,

alone on her bed.

She can’t handle the pain.

She wants it to spread.

Spread like butter,

butter on toast.

Spread on joy,

on moments she won’t.

Won’t forget.

Will love forever.

She looks at the sunset.

She takes in the weather.

The weather of rain.

The days all messed up.

The pond is green.

The ducks throwing up.

She still looks for joy,

and turns to the sun.

The sun though disappears,

and then it is gone.

The moon is what’s left.

In it is peace.

The light, it shines down.

Makes everything at ease.

Darkness surrounds her.

She still feels the pain.

Can’t rely on the weather.

Can’t rely on the day.

They won’t make her happy.

She has to do it herself.

She has to remain stable,

and figure this out.

Why she feels so empty,

so lonely inside.

Why no one’s with her.

Why alone she cries.

She looks at the clock.

Past midnight. Can’t sleep.

Tears off the covers,

and gets to her feet.

As soon as she steps down.

She falls through a black hole.

She’s now in a sewer,

which is all damp and cold.

She shivers in chills,

her hair soaken wet.

Her teeth they chatter,

won’t break from a sweat.

Scared to move,

she’s pushed by a force.

A force in the darkness.

Forward, she’s marched.

As she glides through the tunnel.

Pants soaked, swishing through.

She reaches the ending,

nothing but gloom.

She touches the concrete.

The bricks on the wall.

She puts her head against it.

She wants to fix all.

Then a noise, it startles.

She turns with a start.

Black webs grab her feet,

from the water it warps.

It’s sticky like cobwebs.

It cuts her, all pain.

It brings her to her knees.

She screams as she lays.

Lays back in the water.

Face searching for air.

The web grabs her shoulders.

She tenses and bears.

Bears all the darkness.

As it covers her face.

Covers her eyes.

No point of escape.

It then pulls her under.

No longer can breath.

Black webs all covering her.

A cocoon, ready to feed.

To eat all the pain.

Pain withheld inside.

Which she was keeping all in,

and let her dreams decide.

Dreams decide her fate,

how to get it all out

No more relying on others.

No more relying on self.

Her fate came to darkness.

Her fate equaled death.

If she just dealt with her problems,

it wouldn’t have meant…

She wouldn’t have met the tunnel.

She wouldn’t have met hell.

Hell came to take her.

She’s wrapped in its swells.

Slowly devoured,

played with till dead.

She’s feeding it’s hunger,

the pain that she kept.

Posted on

Awesomize Yourself!!!

unnamed (5)

What do we see in someone when we say “Wow! That person is awesome!”? What makes them “awesome” in our opinion? What makes them grab our attention and go “wow!”?

It is the fact that they have achieved something. That they have shown that they had made it through an obstacle or hardship no matter how big or small. It is the observation by us that they have tried, gave it their all, and had put in the work and effort to get to where they are today.

Do you know what is awesome? Trying. Do you know what is awesome? Giving when you have nothing to give. Do you know what is awesome? Kindness. Creativity. Showing us the real you.

Some awesome people in my opinion are the people who put themselves out there to be heard because for some, like myself, that is hard work. Anyone who has taken time out of their day to push their bodies a little bit further in fitness than they are used to are awesome to me. Even people who usually work themselves to death and decide to take a day of rest are awesome to me because giving yourself a break is hard. People who give to help others with their time, money, or kindness are also awesome to me because time, money, and kindness are hard to come by and even harder to give for some people. It is all about stepping out of your comfort zone and for once not taking the easy way out but trying something difficult for you to help you grow.

So why don’t you pick yourself up and conquer your hardships? Why don’t you push yourself even just an inch more than you are used to everyday? You are just that one step away from being awesome in the eyes of others and most importantly yourself. You could be that one person who people look up to and go “Wow! He/She is awesome!”. You could be that one person who you smile at in the morning when looking at yourself in the mirror saying to yourself “Wow. I’m awesome!”.

It isn’t conceited. It isn’t wrong. It is right for you to love yourself and to be happy with who you are. You are capable of great things and one of the greatest things you are capable of is loving yourself. And one of the greatest gifts we are given is the ability to try.

So go that extra inch or mile today to help you become who you want to be! Push yourself just a little bit harder so you can be that “Wow! They are awesome!” person! Even if you don’t make it to your goal. Even if it takes time. Trying is awesome and trying is what makes YOU awesome.