The Kingdom You Made, I Protect

Look at all these little ones

Made from me of you

Genetics run deep

Something I know you knew

The gift of the reader

The teller of stories

The passion of makers

They all hold your glory

We are your kinship

Although not worth your day

Your kingdom is here

I protect what you slay

A Writer’s Prayer

Rip the raw power of song and verse from my heart

Expel my pleas in notes to touch a soul

Gift me meaning to life

Vitality to feel

And words to express

Grant me the need to construct meanings to emotions

And apprehension to grasp the rules of the world

Rules that form chaos

Rules that confound

Rules that drown people too deep

Help me lift them out

Before they drown again

Man of My Dreams (Poem)

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Man of My Dreams

You are the man of my dreams.

You are the man of my world.

You fill up my being.

You grant me my thrills.

You hold onto my heart.

You deliver me hope.

You conquer my dark.

You never let me go.

Thankful for you,

I always will be.

You are the love of my life.

You are the man of my dreams.

Spreading Thin

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I’m breaking 
I’m failing 
I’m tearing at the seams 
I’m hopeless
I’m trying 
 growing more tired it only seems
Can’t hold myself together 
Can’t talk with any skill
Can’t get through the day
With any extra time to fill
I’m running
I’m planning 
Trying not to break down
 I’m working
I’m grasping
No comfort to be found 
I’m fauxing a smile
That’s getting worse every day
I’m trying to breathe without crying 
Trying to keep monsters at bay
But every day they seep closer
I’m closer to giving up
Just need some time to rest
Just need some time to slump
Need some time for myself
Time I’ll never have
that time doesn’t exist 
In my world or my head
Need as much time as i can savor
For my dreams and my goals
When in reality I’m failing 
Dying, becoming skin and bones
I’m running myself ragged
Running myself sick 
Trying too hard for everything 
Spreading myself thin

I Found You (Poem)

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Decided to display one of my happier poems today because I sure need the distraction and reminder of love from the things I’m stressing about in life right now <3. Hope it can help you too if you need it.

I Found You

I found you.

The one half to form my two,

my twin flame, my lover, my friend,

the one to make my search end,

I found you.

The one to change my life,

wash away my pain,

and keep me from flight,

happiness soars, sadness out of sight,

I found you.

The one every breath counts on,

the one every dream leans on,

the only one my heart beats from,

I found you.

Yes, I found you.

Afterthought

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Just an afterthought in your mind

when I hold something you need.

Otherwise we never meet eyes

and you despise the likes of me.

Never will it come to an understanding.

This cycle will never end.

Since I’m the trash you take out and forget

the moment my usefulness ends.

Everlasting Rest

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Everlasting Rest

She’s weak, she’s tired.

There’s nothing no more.

She’s helpless and lost,

once called a whore.

She eats, she pukes,

no more her best.

She’s dying, she’s slipping,

everlasting rest.

Had to return to the sad stuff from the past today, especially since last night was an extra hard night for me. But the good thing to come out of the sad past is looking at it and realizing how far you have come and that you had made it even when you had thought that you wouldn’t. So if you ever think that you can’t make it now or if you have a relapse, you can remember what you had made it through before and know that you have it in you to do it again.

Words Can’t Express

I love you so much,

words can’t express.

Your eyes, your voice, your heart,

things I won’t forget.

You make my soul complete.

Make my life worth while.

Without you things would be,

worse than they have for a while.

I want you here with me.

When we dance, dreams come true.

Never want you to leave.

I swear I’m in love with you.

A light poem for today ❤ One I made in high school ❤

“They Do”

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I’m going to keep on the happy stuff this week because what is better than when you are sad and trying to get out of a funk than writing happy things? 🙂 This week has been pretty emotional and hard. Maybe I will make it evident later why it has been, but that isn’t important right now. So I will leave you with kind of cute poem that I wrote when I was younger before I met my husband. I’m not positive if I was dating anyone at the time, but I guess I made my own little brief happy ending with whoever was in my thoughts at the time.

They went through heartache

in pain and in grief.

They separated for a while,

but then realized what they need.

He needed her.

She made him smile each day.

She needed him.

With him, nightmares go away.

They finally came back

to each other “they do”,

and now they’re happily married

ending their doom.

Worst Battle Of My Life (including 3 poems)

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So the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life so far has been an eating disorder. I fought, lost, and dealt with it for nine long horrible years. I finally was able to beat it, if you can call it that since it still lingers, and have been “clean” for almost two years and eight months now. It is seriously amazing how different you view things and how much easier it is to enjoy life and everything around you when you are not fighting for your life against your body and your mind. I am beyond thankful to my husband because without him I seriously would not have been able to make it this far. He never gave me an ultimatum, but just stood by my side, gave me stability, and was there to comfort me and talk to me when I needed it, even if that meant countless hours of talking me through the same things over and over again. Now I am more happy with myself than I have been in my entire life, and I am beginning to love myself and see myself as a friend instead of an enemy. So, here are some of the poems that I did while battling the disorder near the beginning. To give you a time reference it all started near the end of seventh grade or in the summer after seventh grade when I completely stopped eating and would work out until I would pass out. I had many scares and even would pass out on the side of the road during a run. That was scary because before then I’ve never seen a road come up to meet you in the face before you blacked out, but then without even knowing that it was a thing I started eating again and throwing up. Which landed me in the hospital after a while when I wasn’t able keep water down anymore. My blood pressure was 70/40 and I weighed 92 pounds. Then I was sent to rehab, which didn’t do anything for me because I was the only one in the place with an eating disorder, and as soon as I got out my mom took me out for pizza, and then on the way home I had her pull over and I threw up again. After that everything went from there with me even eating food out of dumpsters sometimes and wasting any money I could get a hold of to buy food from gas stations at one or two in the morning while everyone was sleeping and finding anywhere I could to hide to binge and purge. I would do it at family gatherings. I would do it when friends and family were were just in the other room. Anywhere and anytime I could find, I would do it. Sometimes it would even get way more than up to twenty times a day. Once I could drive, well then that didn’t help at all, and it was nine beyond horrible years that this went on that I wish I could take back. But now I weigh around 140 pounds 🙂 sometimes even 145 if I do a super heavy weight program for a few months, and I feel healthier and happier than ever and am super ecstatic to be as far away from that nightmare as I am now because I never thought I would be.

She’s so confused.

So lost in her head.

Thinking weight is what matters,

so she’s sinking in dread.

She knows she’s killing herself,

but she just can’t quit.

She feels bad with what she’s doing,

but see’s no way out of it.

Shes scared to eat anything,

yet wants it so much.

Getting into everything

and making it come up.

Why can’t she control herself?

Why can’t she just quit?

There’s so many people praying for her

trying to get her out of it.

But she knows she can’t do it,

unless she helps herself.

She has to learn to eat

and stop swimming in doubt.

She wants a good future,

but know it will never come

if she keeps going down this road

not finding a way up.

(A second poem I wrote in my journal right after that)

It’s such a mix-up,

Which way should I go?

Should I go with my fear

and let everything show?

Should I not eat at all

in worry of weight?

Or should I have it all?

It’s never too late.

I could purge it up later

and go out for a run.

Ugh… I want chocolate,

or do I want none?

Ugh! What’s with my mind?

Why can’t I think?

Can think only of food.

Can do nothing but freak. 

No, I can’t have anything.

Got to lose weight. 

But come on, it’s delicious

it’s got to be fate. 

I know I’m addicted.

Addicted to food,

but I’m also scared of it.

Could that happen too?

Why am I all three?

Why not just one.

Why do I have to starve, binge, and purge?

Why can’t I be none?

(Poem I have done after “beating” the disorder for more than a couple of years. I’m afraid it will always be there waiting for me, but with knowing that I know that each year I just have to get stronger in my mind, with my self image, and with my relationship with myself.)

It lingers

awaiting

awaiting the fall.

Will you give in

and just lose it all?

Will you let all your hard work

suffer in disgrace,

when you pick up the infliction

and lose all your faith?

 

(A picture of when I was admitted to the hospital. They brought in a dog to try to raise my blood pressure.)

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