Finding The Other Half Of Your Soul, But Awaiting His Uncertain Boundless Return

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Playing Hero
She sits in the dark awaiting
her loved one who never comes.
Her thoughts drift to pictures
of them when they were young.
They were laughing and dancing,
never without a smile.
Kisses and hugs,
man, it seems like such a while.
But he is off playing hero
for the family he deserves.
So she sits and waits quietly
knowing that when he can he will return.
Life on Repeat
I miss you.
I kiss you.
We hug
and you leave.
Same thing every day.
Every day on repeat.
When will things change?
You say change will come soon.
I want to believe you,
but I only see doom.
           When I first met this man, he was working at DQ and was definitely what I would categorize as a boy who loved to do the stupidest things and get hurt. Then he went to work at Burger King in our small town for awhile before he transferred burger kings to the one in Lafayette where we moved to to go to Purdue. There he worked part time and went to school to be an engineer full time, until his friend presented him with a better job working at WWL. He took it and then started working full time third shift, with a lot of overtime and continued to go to school full time. I swear he didn’t sleep. Then he sadly failed a class. Not because he wasn’t smart enough, but because we lived in a bad part of town and his gas got siphoned on the day of his exam. He actually pushed his jeep to the gas station to fill it back up, but still ended up late to his exam and they wouldn’t let him in so he failed. He was obviously upset and discouraged, but it didn’t let him completely down. We ended up finding a better apartment in a better area that we moved to since I was now pregnant. He started Ivy Tech with a different major now in mechanics since he decided he wanted to do something that he loved with his life. He continued life still working full time and getting any overtime possible to help us get by, going to school full time, and helping me with the baby when he could. Then after awhile with some more months of schooling still left for him to finish we bought a house in Wanatah. Right after that he lost his job. I’m talking directly after that. But he refused to let that slow him down. He found a job up north in Porter. And continued to work full time there, while traveling to Lafayette to go to his college classes to try to finish. Some days he would sleep in our now empty apartment since our lease wasn’t up yet, but I would hate to know how much sleep he missed. I know that the driving so much back and forth scared me with how sleep deprived he was. But finally he graduated and was able to stay up north with us. He ended up getting a second job part time to help us get by. Until he found another job that paid better with crazy long hours. Then after switching jobs once again to go back to work as a mechanic he ended up impressing some people and ended up switching fields doing something that he never would have imagined doing, didn’t know exsisted, but happily enjoyed. But then he started working more and more almost 17 or 18 hours a day and night for at first weeks until it turned into months trying to start up a company on top of the job he was already working. Then days would go by without him even coming home working crazy like always. But finally he has started his own company with a couple companions and is back down to one job. Watching him work his body sick for years has been incredibly hard, but I couldn’t be more amazed and proud that it has paid off for him. He is definitely the definition of determination and a hard worker to me. It has been amazing to watch him grow from that boy who didn’t care if he ended up in the hospital for a thrill to the man he is today doing anything and everything he can for the little family he has built.

          So, as you can see my husband worked a lot and nonstop so he could build the dream life he wants for himself and his family. He still continues to do this to this day, but so far things have gotten better. Throughout the years though it was not easy waiting with the heart breaking for the one you love to return and fill you with the love you so desperately needed to be filled up with again to keep going. My husband is a hero in my eyes, not just for working as hard as he has forever for us, but for fixing me and getting me to the point where I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. He helped me get to a place where I never thought or dreamed I could have ever gotten to. I can actually love and enjoy life now and focus on my goals instead of battling with myself mentally and physically every day. I truly owe him my life. But as I said, the journey was not easy. There were a few times that depression and loneliness started to work deep into my mind and made things harder than they needed to be. Not today, but Tuesday I will continue this with some of the more deeply broken poems where I started to lose hope that things would ever get better and I started to lose faith in our bond.  

(Sorry about there being no spaces between paragraphs and poems. For some reason it won’t let me fix it and it only wants to stay this way. Except for this last paragraph.)

The Show That Surprised Me

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This is going to be an interesting post. I wouldn’t normally write I guess what you could maybe call a “review” on a show, although I do have many opinions on a lot of shows, but this show caught me by surprise. I had just finished New Girl and needed a new comedy to watch on Netflix because I was not yet ready to dive into my usual dramas and deal with being tear jerked around. So, I decided to try to watch a show that I figured I would end up hating and give up on. When I was a senior, a parent of someone I lived with briefly, used to watch The Office all the time. I tried to watch it with her one day,  but did not find it humorous at all and could not get into it. I pretty much found it annoying, useless, and a waste of time. For some reason though, I decided to give it another chance almost ten years later and watch it from the beginning. I was truly blown away with all the lessons that it had embedded into it, especially the most important one it focused on.

So, of course I’m not going to give away any spoilers from this show. Letting that be known now, but for anyone who doesn’t know, it is a show that takes place in a paper company. It is about some pretty unique, yet in some areas, average people all working together in an office together. Sounds pretty boring, right? Yet somehow they made it interesting and a little funny. From the beginning to the end, you get to watch the employees all work together to try to make the most out of their boring jobs and their life. They grow close together like a family, help bring one another up, and share many special moments together. It definitely brightens your mood and makes you see that even in the most boring jobs and places in life that there is a lot more going on if you look hard enough and that those places really aren’t that boring at all.

The thing that grasped my attention throughout the whole show was the message that no matter how many times you get knocked down, you need to get back up and stay positive no matter the situation or circumstance. You find your purpose in life and you keep trying to achieve that no matter what life throws your way because at some point you will most likely get there or even someplace better than you thought you could.

My favorite character in the show that showed me this was surprisingly Dwight. At the beginning, I was like “I’m going to hate this dude”, but he ended up being one of the biggest go getters, respectful, loyal, a good friend, and more caring than most of the people in the show. Throughout most of the entire show he is picked on by Jim tremendously, but somehow he does not let that slow him down or get him down. Every prank and every day he gets himself back up and pursues his goals towards gaining respect from his peers and his career. He was a true inspiration for me.

One of my other favorite characters was Michael. Although his humor was pretty rude, you could tell he had a good heart and no matter how left out or hated he felt he still kept trying to make people happy and laugh. He had said multiple times in the show that his biggest goal in life was to make his “family”, which was the people he worked with, laugh and enjoy their life. Even though most of the time he made them hate their lives, he still worked very hard to show everyone how much he saw them as family, and everyone but one person he worked with, saw and noticed that. His dream was to belong somewhere and have a family and he never gave up on that dream.

Pam’s goal in life was to follow her dreams to become an artist. Many many times she was put down for her work, not supported by the people whose support mattered the most to her, and she failed herself multiple times which only brought her down about herself even more. But even though she kept letting herself be let down and kept putting herself down for periods of time, she always ended up making herself pick herself back up and keep focused on her dream, which did end up paying off more than she could have imagined in the end. Following and staying focused on her dream made her finally feel worthy and important in life, which had been having trouble with since the beginning of the series.

The last person I’m going to talk about, even though there are many I could, is the obvious character in the series who never gave up going after his dream, Jim. Jim’s dream was love. He wanted to love and be loved by somebody and never fully gave up on that vision for his future. Even when things started to go south for a period of time and he was close to losing that dream forever, he gave up one of the things that mattered almost as much to him to focus on getting that dream back. He is an amazing example of ‘if you love something, go after it’.

I could pinpoint every character and talk about how they emphasized in the show to never give up, but I’m not going to. If you really want to know, I would watch it. It may surprise you. The reason why I am writing this is because it surprised me and there may be someone out there not willing to give the show a chance, but who may really need it in their lives to help them keep going.

It Isn’t Stupid To Hold Onto Hope

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There is nothing wrong with holding onto hope. It doesn’t make you silly, stupid, or unwise. I know many people will tell you to let go and that things will never change so you need to get over it, but why let go of something that keeps your head up and keeps you driving forward? Why let go of something that keeps you motivated to work towards your goal and better yourself? Why give up on something that might be just within your reach?

In some situations that we find ourselves stuck in, hope ends up being our only glue, the only thing that keeps our hearts from breaking and keeps us from falling apart and going insane. Many people do not understand that. I don’t know if they think that they are thinking more logically in thinking that “if something isn’t going to change why pursue it and waste your time and energy?”. But I ask you, why not? If it is something that you really want, why not keep moving forward towards it? If nothing has been working, why not find different solutions and ways to approach it? Why not challenge yourself and think outside the box?

Even if you never get the one thing you have been hoping for, by never giving up on it you may find yourself someday somewhere that you never thought you would be. You could find yourself stronger and better than you ever imagined. You could find yourself a whole new person that you had grown into because you refused to give up hope and refused to sit around only wishing for the things you had hoped for and regretting giving up on them.

I say hold onto hope like it is a lifeline. If you are stuck underground in some kind of avalanche waiting for someone to rescue you, don’t give up hope and let your soul die in despair. Think positively and be hopeful because you never know, the thing you are hoping for may come in the moments you were willing to hold on a little while longer.

If you are being bullied and are hoping that things will stop. Don’t let go of that hope. The moment that you held on a little longer could be the moment that you end up finding a true friend that helps you through your pain.

If you are hoping that a family member will come back around someday. Don’t give up hope. That moment that you held on a little longer could be the moment they come back and then your heart will be ready and more open to accept them back into your life again without wasting too much time on anger or resentment.

Why let the journey to the one thing that you hope for be filled completely with sadness and dread? The moment that you give up hope, life comes crashing down around you in a sea of negativity and sorrow. Why let that happen? Why not hold onto the hope that maybe some day your desire will come to be? Why not come to the realization that life doesn’t have to be filled with anger, resentment, or sadness because you never know, someday the thing that you want to happen may happen. Come to the realization that if you live your life to the best of your ability then if the thing you want was meant to come to be, it will. If you get happy enough with yourself and your life you may even find yourself not wanting the thing that you have hoped for anymore and instead of sorrow and regret when you had let your hope go when it wasn’t ready to be let go yet, you may find it fading away leaving you happy and feeling lighter and still just as, if not more, fulfilled with life and yourself.

I’m not saying let the one thing you hope for consume you. Have more than one goal. Have more than one thing you are hopeful for. Have many things that you want to reach, achieve, love, and survive long enough to see. I’m saying that holding onto hope till your last breath isn’t a bad thing. I’m saying hold onto hope until the thing that you wanted so bad isn’t a thing that you see yourself wanting anymore. Hold onto hope so you can keep your head up and eyes held high looking forward living life and seeing the many blessings in it.

Hope carries us. If hope is holding out her hand, do not let go, let her guide you to a better place. Let her guide you to a place without darkness, depression, and unfulfilled needs. Embrace her and love her for what she is and what she gives all of us, comfort, peace, and motivation. Use her to keep you going to where you want to be. Even if where you end up is different than you had envisioned, it is better to had ended up there full of hope and love than going no where filled with dread and regret.

Surprise Yourself!

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Keep surprising yourself! I know this really surprised me the other day. Things really do pay off, even in ways we might not expect. Just keep looking for the little surprises and excitements in everything you do and in your lifelong journeys to your different goals. The surprises and excitements can keep you motivated and moving forward!