A Moment, A Second, A minute

A pause

That’s what I need

But time won’t let me have it

A moment

Is what I starve for

With just me and you

A second

Is what I beg for

To get lost in the emotions

A minute

That’s what I plead for

To forget losing you

Broken Lullaby

The weight of your goodbye lingers. Like gravity it shoves me down into a worthless hole feeling like I may never rise again. Crude, raw, and deafening your words were spoken. A broken lullaby to curse me for life.

I Play Ventriloquist

I play the ventriloquist.

Begging you for help.

But I don’t let you see

the words forming from my mouth.

I need you to step in,

when I’m sinking in to do’s.

House work, school work, three children.

Way too much to do.

Sports take all evening.

E-learning takes all day.

Let’s not forget meal prepping

and bathing not too late.

Myself is losing focus.

Forgetting who I am.

No time for self reflection.

No time for where I stand.

This is for the parents out there struggling. I feel you. We normally live a very busy life with three daughters and we have a very busy schedule. Lately along with the rest of the world, our lives have gotten way more stressful and chaotic as we fight to do the right things while trying not to take away from the children. I choose to live a very full life with them and right now with them all so young it is very easy to lose who I am. I am so very thankful and lucky to have a husband who battles time along with me to help save my self identity. He helps me make time and pushes me to follow my dreams so that after parenthood I will not have lost myself. I know that not everyone has that. So if you do not have that person, you need to be that person. As hard as it is to find time for yourself and for your goals, you need to keep on fighting. You are YOUR savior. I choose to conquer one small goal at a time each day no matter how small. You can do the same. You can do that and be in this battle right along with me and countless others to save our true selves who we have pushed away. We are all in this Battle for Self Identity together all fighting our own obstacles. We can have the role of parent and take on the smaller battles until we have time to tackle the bigger ones when we can focus more on ourselves. You can do both. You can be a parent and fight not losing yourself. Just work on not letting your true self slip away behind all the chores, sports, cooking, cleaning, and mile long lists. We are in this together. Be true to yourself, forgive yourself, and know that you are YOUR savior. Give yourself time.

Ask And Then Prioritize

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What fills you up? What helps you feel alive and at your best? What makes you feel whole and at peace? These question were brought to my attention this last weekend. It was something that I never really stopped and completely thought about. So I ask myself and I ask you those same questions. What fills you up? For me, knowledge, reading, fantasy, and stories are some of the things that make me who I am. When I dive into those things, they help me feel like I am finding myself, figuring out myself, and learning more about myself. What makes you feel alive and at your best? For me, working out, eating healthy, alone time to sort through my thoughts, writing, and doing things for my kids like planning their parties and making them things, all make me feel alive and like I am on the top of my game and living at my best. What makes you feel whole and at peace? Well for me, that answer is time with my kids and family.

Why are all these questions important? Because the answers tell you what you need to prioritize in your life. They are things that you need to make sure that you make time for you so you can feel your best. When you feel your best, you live your best, and when you live your best, you enjoy life more and get more out of life. I know that I want to walk around feeling alive and full of spirit and happiness. I want to enjoy my kids more and enjoy time with my husband more. I want to get the most out of everything I can in this small amount of time that we have to live, and how am I supposed to do that if I feel like crap? How is anyone supposed to do that when they feel sad, depressed, exhausted, and stretched too thin. After a long week it is amazing what time with my family does for me. I feel ready to tackle another long week yet again. It is like a constant emptying me and filling me back up. It is amazing how good I feel after a workout in the morning. It helps fill me back up and gets me ready to tackle another day after feeling like I’ve gotten beaten down too many times the day before and had begun to feel weak and worthless. It is amazing what reading and researching does for me because it fills my head with amazing creativity that helps me see many things in different ways and enjoy life more without getting bored or frustrated.

Find the things that make you feel like the best you. Find the things that make you feel happy with yourself and with your life. Find what those things are and then make it a priority to make sure you have some time for those things. Live life at your fullest and at your best so you can enjoy it more and be happy. Search within yourself and then prioritize so you can be the best you. You deserve it and the world deserves to see it.

(Three Poems) Crazy What We Can Pull Through

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I’m going to do three poems today from my past. Not the worst ones. There are some that I am a little hesitant to share, but maybe I will get to them one day. I have just so many journals full of them. I want to get them all out there, but I’m not a fan of letting anyone into my past and seeing my dark side. I’m talking my really really dark. But I feel like people should know that no matter how dark you may be or have gone, that you can pick yourself back up. Some of my horribly terrifying poems I have written shock me at how messed up I really was. I look at myself now and I feel so much stronger, better, and happier. I remember not too long ago when I thought that I would never be able to make it out of a certain something. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, but I did it. I conquered something that I never thought would be possible, and doing that has made me realize that there are so many things that I can do and accomplish that I don’t even know about yet. It has made my marriage stronger, it has made me desire more to better myself, and it has helped me help people close to me and I’m hoping one day people who don’t even know me.

When Are You Theirs?

They keep coming and coming,

visions black with fear.

Eyes start blurring

from straining them to clear.

They won’t go away,

small glimpses of hell.

Killing, sex, and burning,

people dying out.

They keep on taunting,

never going away.

With nothing left worth seeing,

our imagination it plays.

Words they keep on coming,

silent as the grave.

All filled with lust and torture,

raping another’s game.

They just keep on stalking. 

People, they want to sleep.

Kids while they’re playing.

Pets while they eat.

They just sit and watch at sin,

of sex, guilt, and play,

of lust, envy, and anger,

anything that’s lame.

While we’re all lame inside,

can’t move. Can’t think.

Can’t swim. Can’t flush out evil.

Can’t work. Can’t sleep.

We have things go in our heads.

Are they real? Are they true?

Is it when they control,

or end up marking you?

Marking you with scratches

from their icy fingers that burn.

With eyes that slice like knives.

With memories that yearn.

Is it when they make you suffer?

Is it when they make you play?

While making you have sex?

No control left to escape.

Leaving, It’s up to them.

To make fear rule.

As you keep on having visions,

while the demons take with you.

(When Are You Theirs was when I was having hallucinations when I was in late middle school and early high school, which I’m pretty sure were caused by a mix of medications I was taking. I won’t go into what the hallucinations were of course. Also, just so it is known, I am only now just naming some of these poems so it is easier to separate them and find out their meaning. In my journals they have no names. The poem below this I won’t name.)

Life is done.

Death is near.

We all hear panic.

We all see fear.

We close our eyes

to block out the pain.

The darkness has taken,

the light from the day.

She runs to hide.

Hide herself from strife.

He comes for her.

Comes to take her life.

He grabs her now,

rape in his mind.

His face all darkness.

His eyes not kind.

His hands all cold.

He holds the knife

and thrusts it home.

Her end in sight.

It strikes her heart.

She holds her breath.

Blood in her mouth.

Blood on her breast.

Her face turns pale.

She sheds one last tear.

Blood in her eyes, she swallows

the last of her fears.

(A poem with a mixture of elements I was obsessed with and that were going on at the time.)

Please

I’m lost, lonely,

frustrated, scared.

Worried, confused,

trapped, and bare.

My thoughts are running.

I’m drifting away.

I’ll never know if

I’ll see another day.

Everyone reads me

when I want to stay closed.

Waiting to seize me.

Me not wanting to go.

Waiting forever

for someone who’s real.

Not leaving me helpless

and making me feel.

Being numb and cold

not feeling a thing

makes you …. want to

only just dream.

Because while everything’s moving

as fast as it goes.

It calls into question

how far we will go.

Will we go on forever?

Are you and me real?

Or am I just sitting alone

waiting to feel?

Feel someone with me.

Someone against my skin.

Someone to love me

and let me in.

Someone to work with.

Someone to hold.

Please tell me you are out there.

And where I should go.

I’m done with being confused,

lonely, and scared.

I’m in desperate need to find you.

I need you here.

(Another one from my past, but sometimes I find some mistakes and/or I add on and finish up some poems from my past. Which is what I did for this one. It is great to see more clearly now. Not as clear as I would want to, of course, but clearer than when I was younger. Just have to keep sifting through our minds and figuring things out until life is precious to us again. Diving into these poems in my past feels like greeting and getting to re-know the past me. Sometimes it is dark and scary, but it helps to know that I did and have pulled through, and if I ever get encountered by darkness as black and vivid as what I have encountered in the past, that it is more than possible to pull through it again. :))